Birds - Again

I had the bird dream again. (see Birds) This time, it ended differently.

This time, Nick was there with me. He walked through and saw everything I saw, and shed the tears I've never been able to shed. It was still horrific. It was still heartbreaking, but having him there in the dream helped.

He helped me clear out everything. He helped me collect the birds that still lived and bring them to a vet, who humanely put down those that needed it. We nursed back to health those that could be and found them good homes.

To date, this is the best version of this dream that I've ever had. Which - admittedly - isn't saying much. But still, it was nice to have him there. The nicest part was when I woke up from the dream, he was there to cuddle up against, and just be.

I'm getting an inkling as to what this dream might mean. I've never seen myself this way consciously, but I think I might be one of my mother's "Birds". Something she wanted and loved, but never knew how to really take care of, nor had the energy to learn how to care for it properly.

I used to be angry about this, but lately, I'm just resigned. It was the way it was. There's no changing it, and railing against it simply doesn't help. I guess I'm about as over it as I can be. She failed on so many levels as a mother, and as a person, and she paid as much of a price for those failures as anyone can -for she knew her failings, and punished herself far more than anyone else could.

I hope that wherever she is - if she's anywhere - she can find some peace, for she certainly had none in this life.