Dreaming

I've been dreaming about my mother and her house a lot lately. Possibly because June 1st is coming (it was her birthday) partly because we're moving.

My mother was a lousy housekeeper. No, really. Like should have been condemned house lousy. When I left home, there were inches of goose & dog feces on the kitchen floor. Yes, I said the KITCHEN floor. The only place in it that wasn't disgusting was my room, because I made sure that none of her animals were allowed in.

My ex and I gutted the place as the first step in remodeling. It wasn't cathartic, as you might imagine. It was disgusting. We did it though. We took that condemnable piece of crap and turned it into a welcoming place to live. We had to bring it down to the studs in some places, but we did it.

Last night, I had a dream that I had to empty the house. It was disgusting again. All of my friends showed up to help. That was the hard part. In my dream, all of the people I consider friend and/or tribe were looking at me and I could see them trying to reconcile what they knew of me with the mess we were walking into. I couldn't stop them from seeing what I had lived in. People were trying to lift things, and having to run outside to retch. It was horrible. The worst part was when my mother drove up in the U-Haul truck and somehow managed to flip it over, thereby making everyone's efforts meaningless. She wasn't hurt, and neither was the truck, but all of the work turned out to be for nothing. I asked her what we were going to do, and she told me to have everyone put everything back.

I screamed at her for a little while, but the gist of it was that I said absolutely not.

Then I woke up.

I'm getting tired of these dreams. I get it. I'm ashamed of my mother. Can we please move on now?