Hard Things

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”

I hate these words. I heard them my whole life, as did everyone in my poly-family. You’d think having tilted society’s windmills on so many other issues, we’d be able to overcome this tiny piece of indoctrination. We weren’t. We had problems. We still have many of them. However, in our attempts to be nice, we said nothing at all. The silence rooted in, and we said nothing. The vine of anger spread, and we said nothing. Large, colorful blooms of resentment sprung up, and we said NOTHING. Everyone of us is guilty of this crime against each other.

Now, it has cost us dearly. This past week, we parted ways with one of our family members. After days of talking, some of it very harsh, and tears, and breaking hearts we have come to this place. Jan will be getting an apartment on his own. Nick, Bronnie & I will be getting a rental home together. We are hoping to remain friends, and tribe, but not family. Please understand, that no one is the “black hat” here. No one is the “white hat”. We are all painted in shades of gray for this, and while there are subtle differences in those grays, they are equal. We are all sharing the responsibility for this relationship ending. This is because we are all responsible for the conditions that led to its demise.

So, if you love someone, don’t be nice. Be honest. Be honest with as much compassion and mercy as you can, but be honest. There are sometimes things that must be said that simply cannot be said in a way that is “nice”. So be honest. Let compassion and your own genuine pain come through in the saying of those words, but say them. Learn from us. Do not make the mistakes we made. Don’t avoid a problem hoping it will “work itself out” or think that its not as big as you think it is. A problem for anyone is a problem for the family, and if caught early, can be weeded out and resolved. Waiting too long only builds resentment and anger. Waiting too long only destroys the little affections that add up to love. Then, when you have talked about the problem. when you have reached a solution, let it go. Let the anger & resentment go. Let the blame go . To do otherwise will kill your family as you know it. I know this to be true, now.