Unwanted

Yesterday, my father called me. He asked if he could visit me. He's coming to the city I live in you see, and felt that it was appropriate to ask this even though I have been actively not speaking to him for over 2 years.

Last night, I had nightmares about him showing up at my office (which is in a public building) and causing a scene that got me fired.

I haven't spoken to my father in so long for a number of reasons, but distilled down, its because he flings drama like monkeys fling poo. I've worked hard over the years to have a stable and happy life. My father has worked harder and for much longer at maintaining a high drama, high chaos life. And he's not content to let others be simple and happy. He seems to feel the need to draw all those around him into his chaos.

I want none of it.

I don't want the rabid fundamentalism, nor the hypocrisy and judgementalism that is used to maintain it. I don't want the trouble with money. I don't want the trouble with the law. I don't want the rumors and lies. I don't want the addiction to medication, illegal drugs (we're talking the hard stuff here folks), or attention. And oh is he addicted to attention. I don't want the constant strife.

I don't want him. Its that simple. What I'm having a hard time determining is why he continues to seek me out. Is it because I'm the "one that got away"? The one who truly doesn't need him to be happy? Is it simply that he fears that if any of his children walk away that all of them will have the courage, and leave him with no audience? I don't know. I don't really understand someone pursuing someone who clearly doesn't want them, and who has clearly stated this both orally, in writing, and most importantly, with action.

I cannot deal with his need for drama & chaos, and more importantly, I cannot deal with his need to suck me into it. So, I stopped. I stopped seeing him, communicating with him, and my final communication was to tell him why. As is typical for him, he chose to ignore it. My father builds his reality carefully, only "remembering" or "hearing" what he cares to. Nevertheless, I'm stubborn (got that from my mother!). I maintain my distance, to the point of hanging up on him at once if he contacts me. Only now, he's figured out that I simply cannot hang up at work. So that's where he calls. I am curt. I get off the phone as quickly as possible. I make it extremely plain that I'd rather be poked with hot needles than endure that conversation, however brief.

I feel somewhat trapped. I know its silly. I really do, but I can't help the feeling nevertheless. I'm also with the logical part of my brain, very aware that he's enjoying this. Which further angers me. I simply don't know how to drive home the fact that I don't want to speak to him. I would really rather pretend that he wasn't alive.

When my father dies, it will be a relief. I won't have to worry anymore if its a number I don't recognize. I won't have to fear opening my email. I won't have to listen to my sister telling me how he was whining about how cold and stubborn I am, and how he just doesn't understand what's going on. I won't have to feel trapped. There will be no warm fuzzy memories to temper that relief.

I can't, at the moment, think of much that he's taught me that I could be proud of, or use without getting jail time for a felony. He spent my childhood either in jail, in his recliner, or screaming at someone. If he was in a good mood, we feared his spending the rent money in the high of his uncontrolled mania. If he was depressed, he was either writing bad checks, or suicidal. He did fun things with the boys (or so I've been told), but he also has been accused of molesting them, so that's a double-edged sword. My sister & I were roundly ignored for being female, and therefore uninteresting. Now looking back, I think that was a blessing.

It was only as we got older, and the boys moved away to their lives that he began to take any sort of an interest in us. I personally believe that he did so because he was afraid of being alone.

This is not my problem. This is not my responsibility. I did not create this situation, and the fact that he donated the sperm to create what would become me simply isn't enough to make me take up that yoke of responsibility. There are those who would fling "Honor thy mother & father at me". To them, I say that I will honor the honorable. I very clearly remember the day my very fundamental baptist mother told me that I had to respect him. I replied "Respect is earned. It is not a right. I will be polite, but he has never earned my respect, so I can't give it to him." I still remember her face as she struggled to find some argument, and then admitted that I was right. I was 12 at the time.

So what did I get from my father? I got my brown eyes. I got my big ears. I got a very agile mind that, if I chose, could be just as devious and twisted as his. I have not so chose.

That is the crux of why I don't have anything to do with him. He made a choice that I can't live with. He chose his path long ago, and I have chosen to walk another way. He won't accept this peacefully, so we must simply not be in communication with each other.

Its that simple. I don't want him. More to the point, I don't need him. When I needed a father, he was out west somewhere, doing whatever get-rich-quick scheme had taken him that month, and I was stuck with a mother whose depression was overwhelming her, a grandfather who was dying, and a grandmother working hard to keep the family going. That's when I needed a father. I'm an adult now. I live independently, and stand on my own, as much as any of us do. I've built my life without him. I know this may sound like an angry child punishing someone, but its not. I had him in my life up until the day he called me to falsely accuse my ex-husband of molesting our daughter. He called me in tears to tell me that she'd just hung up with him, having told him this, because she was afraid of telling anyone else. I called her immediately. She was at a friend's house. I had to ask her if this was true (I mean, c'mon! What self-respecting parent WOULDN'T). She told me she hadn't spoken to her grandfather in more than a month, and that her father had never touched her in that way - ever. She still hasn't spoken to him since. I called him back, told him enough was enough, and that I was done. Don't call, don't write, I don't want you anymore. I then called my ex, and explained this to him, and told him that I wouldn't be in contact any longer, and that if he wished to bring our daughter by, that the consequences were on his head, and I advised against it. He more than happily agreed.

He called.
He wrote.
He continues to do so.

I guess I just don't have words to describe how baffled I am about this. Why? Why does he persist? Why won't he just leave me alone?

It boggles the mind.
And causes the occasional bad dream.