The Scars You Don't See

Not all child abuse leaves scars you can see.

My sister & I were just on the phone. We were talking about a pattern of our mothers that has scarred us both to the point of near mania about it. She just realized that she was starting to fall into the pattern in her attempt to not be like our mother.

I've already fallen down that rabbit hole myself, and am paying the price with my health. Thankfully, it didn't affect my daughter as nearly as immediately as it did my sister & I.

My mother wasn't abusive in the traditional ways. The way she was abusive was in being fiercely independent, while simultaneously being grossly unequipped for that independence. There were many people that asked if they could help her. She refused everyone, and then went crazy when she realized that she really did need help, that she really wasn't able to be as independent as she wanted to be. That point came well after the heat broke, the plumbing broke, the food ran out, and the car died. At that point, June stopped. She stopped doing everything. That's when I learned how to pay the bills, and how to grocery shop. At the time, it felt like the only person that was there was Gram, but I know that really isn't true.

I thought I was crazy. That I was crazy for wanting help. Now, looking back from many years away, I can see that it wasn't me that had a problem. I wasn't weak. She was. She was so afraid of someone taking advantage of her, of someone having power over her, that she put all of us through hell. She risked our health and safety, for her independence. Only, the lesson she never learned was that no one is truly independent.

Humans, despite the belief of a few, are herd animals. Omnivorous, highly dexterous, and dangerous herd animals. We thrive best when we live and work in groups. We need our family, our tribe, our community, in order to survive.

June never absorbed this lesson. She believed she could live outside that safety net of help and reciprocation. She wanted neither a borrower nor lender be. The problems was that she didn't realize that attitude doesn't work. One cannot help but relying on others if one is to thrive on this ball of dirt.

June did not thrive.

Until I figured otu this lesson for myself, and cast aside her teachings, neither did I.

My sister came very close to falling into this trap, and carrying her children into it with her.

No, not all abuse leaves scars you can see. Life would be somewhat simpler if it did. (And yes, I believe this was abusive behavior. Its too destructive and long-reaching to be anything but.)