Kraftykity's Corner

Life Interrupted - Resumed.

2011-09-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

19 years ago, this coming December (late-ish) I put my life on hold. I had a very good reason to do so - I was pregnant. I stopped being who and what I was and became a "MOTHER".

I then proceeded to spend 18 years dedicated to the welfare and protection of another being. I poured the best of who and what I was into this small being, and I'm not ashamed to say that I did pretty well. I made mistakes, but I can honestly hold my head up pretty high and tell you that in every moment, I did my absolute best for that moment. No one can ask more than that.

Now, she is grown. She has launched into a new life - her own life. She is apart from me. She is no longer my responsibility. She is her own being now - and a pretty impressive one at that (but I'm a tad biased!). As part of her 18th birthday celebration, I gave her the crystal bottle of her baby teeth that I'd kept on my altar for years as a focus for protective energy.

So, my responsibility is discharged. That was two weeks ago. I didn't really expect to have "empty-nest syndrome", and I haven't. Not really.

Instead, I've reverted to my 18 year old self (thankfully sans angst and hormones on overdrive!). I've spent the past 14 days not doing a whole hell of a lot. I've played video games. I've read stupid fun books that are hardly worth the bytes they occupy on my kindle. I've lounged around, slept little, eaten what and when I felt like it, and generally behaved like an 18 year old. I didn't realize it until quite recently, but I've taken my life off hold, and am surprised to discover that I'm just plain tired. I'm not wanting to go conquer the world. I want to relax, have fun, and just be for a bit. I didn't have that during my childhood or adolescence.

So, I'm going with this, at least for a while. I'm going to do what comes naturally and I'm not going to apologize for not giving a flying fig for anything truly important in the world. I'm going to play. I'm going to play video games, and table top games, and knit and crochet, and sew and generally have fun in whatever manner of my choosing on any given evening. I'm not going to worry about the world at large, or about promotions that I wouldn't get anyway, or any of that grown up crap that causes ulcers and heart-attacks. I just don't care right now.

I'm giving myself about 6 months (max, could be less) to wallow in this mindset. After that , who knows. I'll figure out who and what I want to be then. Right now, I'm just gonna be the kid I couldn't be when I was 18.

::Strolls off humming "I won't grow up" from the Peter Pan soundtrack::

An Interesting (as in creepy ass) Dream

2011-02-23T12:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had a very . . .interesting dream.

I was vacationing in a tropical, coastal place. It was jungle like. It was night, and I was walking in a procession with my daughter next to me. Everyone was carrying torches, and for some reason, I had my kindle. We were walking to a run down shack where people had been disappearing. Many of those were either children, or people who I cared very deeply for.

One by one, people went into the shack, but no sounds were heard. No one came out. Finally it was just my daughter and I on the outside. I handed her my kindle, and told her that if I wasn't out in an hour, to leave and never come back.

I walked into the shack. Everyone who'd gone into it was sitting on the dirt floor. They were obviously terrified, but none of them could speak or move. I was able to move freely though, and to speak. So, I demanded for whatever was causing this to show itself and tell me what it wanted.

I don't know what it was. It wasn't visible, and it entered my body. It had wanted me. It said it wanted my power (?!?!?). I wrestled with it for control of my body, and ended up on the floor of the shack writhing. I finally gained control, and in doing so, broke its hold over the people in the shack. I told all of them to get out. One of them, who in this dream was my father, though it looked nothing like my father, refused to believe that he could just walk out and stayed in the shack. I told him that if he did, he'd be destroyed. He stayed.

I left the shack, with this thing still in my body, and set fire to it (yes, the man was still inside - that was his choice). Then I walked into the night sea. Some of the people from the shack followed me in a boat. As I was swimming, a great white shark - a big one - swam up to me, and offered itself up. I forced the thing out of my body, and into the shark. When the thing got into the shark, it tried to attack me, but someone on the boat shot the shark.

Once both myself and the shark were on the boat, we headed back to shore. Some of the people wanted to chop the shark up and toss it into ths sea, others wanted to eat it. I argued and prevailed in getting the shark tossed whole and un-cut onto the burning shack.

As I stood watching the flames, I saw the physical life of the thing. It had been a child who had been repeatedly victimized in numerous ways in the shack.

Once the fire had died down, the thing was destroyed. Everyone was free,and we all left.

Yeah, it was a creepy ass dream, but upon reflection, it really wasn't a bad one.

The Neutral/Evil Santa Letter (AKA What happens when I'm at work and people start asking me about my holidays)

2010-11-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,
I've been a good girl this year. I haven't blown anything up this year, nor have I wounded anyone. I have not thwarted the side of light in their pursuit of world peace, ending hunger, and all that silly paladin-ish stuff.
I would like a puppy for the holidays this year.
Should said puppy not be forthcoming - all bets are off.
This is your final warning. Should my demands for a puppy not be met by 12pm on 12/25, elves will mysteriously disappear, one by one, until you have to do all your labor without your little pointy eared slaves.
Sincerely,
Me
P.S. The usual toll of cookies and milk will be placed appropriately on the table by the sofa. If you should be so foolish as to remove them without the placement of aforementioned puppy, I will come fetch them back -with interest.

Professional Mommying

2010-11-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

I get asked what I "do" quite a lot. On my good, angst-ridden, polite days I tell those people that I am an Administrative Assistant.

On my happier days when I'm actually presenting my true self to the general public, I tell the truth. I'm a professional Mommy. To 50 adult human beings.

For Example: Today

Today. . .
I directed someone to where we keep napkins
I told someone how to navigate the internet to a web-site that the person in question had been to many times before.
I helped someone through the process of changing a password
I answered questions,most of them for the 40-50th time today.
I listened to much whining.
I assured someone that I would make sure that this persons report got to where it needed to be in his absence - IF it was ready in time.
I helped someone navigate Word.
I helped someone navigate e-mail.
I cleaned up after someone who'd made a mess of the microwave. THEN I moved the cleaning supplies out from BEHIND said microwave to a prominent but nearby location. (It won't help)
I watered plants.
I reassured someone that no, really, that suit is just FINE - and the scarf is a nice touch, but wear sneakers over b/c the sidewalk is chancy in 3 inch spike heels.
I boosted confidence.
I smiled brightly and told someone to go out and play on that person's break.
I ooh'd and aah'd over someone's latest new shiny (or a picture thereof).

So while my official title is "Administrative Assistant", I'm a professional Mommy. And so are most other admins.

For those of you who are professionals - Remember this.
For those of you who are Admins - I'm so very sorry, and if you show up at my doore, we'll have tea & bitching. Promise!

Birds - Again

2010-10-29T11:42:00.000-07:00

I had the bird dream again. (see Birds) This time, it ended differently.

This time, Nick was there with me. He walked through and saw everything I saw, and shed the tears I've never been able to shed. It was still horrific. It was still heartbreaking, but having him there in the dream helped.

He helped me clear out everything. He helped me collect the birds that still lived and bring them to a vet, who humanely put down those that needed it. We nursed back to health those that could be and found them good homes.

To date, this is the best version of this dream that I've ever had. Which - admittedly - isn't saying much. But still, it was nice to have him there. The nicest part was when I woke up from the dream, he was there to cuddle up against, and just be.

I'm getting an inkling as to what this dream might mean. I've never seen myself this way consciously, but I think I might be one of my mother's "Birds". Something she wanted and loved, but never knew how to really take care of, nor had the energy to learn how to care for it properly.

I used to be angry about this, but lately, I'm just resigned. It was the way it was. There's no changing it, and railing against it simply doesn't help. I guess I'm about as over it as I can be. She failed on so many levels as a mother, and as a person, and she paid as much of a price for those failures as anyone can -for she knew her failings, and punished herself far more than anyone else could.

I hope that wherever she is - if she's anywhere - she can find some peace, for she certainly had none in this life.

Sssshhhh. . .I think I'm hiding.

2010-10-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

Around my birthday, I have 2 trends. The first is somewhat funny to me. I buy all new make-up. I try it out and then promptly don't wear it unless I feel gross, but not too gross.

The other trend isn't so funny to me. I get quiet. I'm not normally a quiet person. I'm pretty open and bold with my opinions. I'm not particularly quiet about every day expression. However, around my birthday for the past couple of years, I get quiet. I want the TV quieter, and startle more easily at loud noises. I also pull back a bit emotionally from people. I feel like I just want to cave up and hide until the warm comes back.

This is moderately disturbing to me.

Mini Mid Life Crisis

2010-10-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

I'm having my annual mini mid life crisis.
Friday, I got dressed up & wore heels. They made my ankle hurt.
I ordered a bunch of makeup. For the first time EVER, it didn't make my face break out.
I figure if I do this little bit every year, maybe I can keep a mid life crisis from impacting like a meteor.

Letting Go

2010-08-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

My little girl isn't a little girl anymore. She's reached young lady.
Almost 17 years ago, I gave birth to a wonderful & intelligent person. I spent quite a lot of time & energy into raising her to be a wonderful & intelligent person. I taught her to think (not that she always does, or will), I taught her the best of what I know.

She's now befriended my father on Facebook.

When I was told this, at first I got a bit upset (ah, the power of understatement). My father is not a nice person. He's not a kindly old grandpa who goes fishing and makes wooden bird houses. He's a fraud and a cheat and many other more horrible things. At best, he's a drama gatherer.

So, I sat back & thought about it. Then I messaged her. I told her that I wasn't going to ask her to withdraw her friendship from him. That she was old enough to make that decision on her own, but that she needed some information before she could make that decision.

Then I told her everything I knew about her grandfather. I did this as objectively and calmly as I could.

And then I let go. I'm not pursuing it. I meant it when I told her that she is old enough to decide this for herself. She is.

Letting go sucks, but I don't see any alternative. The idea of holding her back in her childhood when she is stepping into adulthood (albeit in this, not in a way I would choose) is reprehensible to me. Yes, she's going to screw up, and in ways I've warned her about and also in ways I can't imagine. Yes, she's going to get hurt. However, I know that I can't prevent that, and I know that she doesn't really want me to. All I can do step back and let her do what she's going to and be there when she wants me there.

Guns

2010-07-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid of guns. They make a very loud noise, and they can kill. I think these are reasons enough to be afraid of something, but even if that weren't enough, they are something which I'll never be able to master. In order to use a gun effectively, you have to aim. I'm not able to see well enough to do that. And from everything I've ever heard, the gun that you don't hit your target with is far more dangerous to you than the one you DO hit your target with.

Still, despite my fear, I understand that there is no putting this particular horse back into its barn. I get rather angry at people who try actually. See, I don't trust. Anyone. Most especially not my government. (If I did, my ancestors on my Scots and Native American side would rise up and bitch slap me!) I don't believe that my government has my best interests at heart, I don't believe that its going to protect me, and furthermore, I do believe that it s actively working to suck as much life out of the American people, in order to keep us happily working to serve the ends of those who run said government (i.e. those in power. Please note: I don't think this has anything to do with party lines. I'm too much a student of history to buy that for one second. Power corrupts even the most well intentioned.)So, I don't trust my government. At all. Hey, its a proud American Tradition. Might just be the FIRST of those proud American Traditions!

That's why I get angry at people who stand around spewing nonsense like "Only criminals and thugs need guns on the streets!" or "Law abiding citizens shouldn't need a gun to defend themselves!" or "Only the police should be legally allowed to carry weapons!". Uh. . .What the fuck? Don't any of you READ? Do you read the Constitution, which I had to pass a test on in order to pass my U.S. History class in high school? Do you read history?

For those who aren't aware, the drafters of the Constitution very clearly put in the bill of rights, at point number 2, that the citizenry has the right to bear arms. For those of you who might be ignorant, this doesn't mean the right to run around and wave your arms in the air. It means to carry guns. At the time of the drafting of the Constitution, the average army soldier carried the same equipment that was available to any man who could afford the same. In other words, the playing field was (by and large) level.

I'm of the opinion that the citizenry should have the right to access the same guns the military does. I don't like it that the military has the ability to wipe out a whole town. It means that this country could turn into a dictatorship on a dime, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it.

That doesn't mean I like guns. It doesn't mean I'll ever own a gun, or that I have any business picking one up. What is means is I want a level playing field - admittedly a playing field at which I am, of necessity, a spectator.

Lately, I've heard the interns debating gun law this past week. Since I can't scream "Read a history book you Assholes!" at the interns, I guess I came to rant here. Thanks for listening.

The Way I See It

2010-07-13T11:43:00.001-07:00

I don't see things like other people do.

Back in 1999, I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. Two surgeries, one eye, and many blind spots in my remaining eye later, my vision has stabilized into okay but unreliable. I have days when - if I strain - I can read 12 point font without my glasses. I have days when I simply can't read, and no glasses will help. I get headaches when I read no matter what. The effort it takes to discern the letters and then string them into words, and then string those words into sentences is more exhausting than chasing after a toddler bent on destruction. A busy day at work, where I'm having to read & respond to others with alacrity leaves me wrung out and drained - not from any emotional reasons, but from the sheer effort that seeing requires.

Pictures are another ball of wax altogether. My every day reality is blurred. Pictures are a hazy shadow of that blurred reality. It doesn't matter whether they are moving or still, colored or black & white. Pictures are difficult. The latest trend in three dimensional movies is simply out of my reach. I will never see a movie in three dimensions. That's okay, because I don't see everyday life in three dimensions unless I'm able to touch it.

I have always has a passion for the written word. I still do, but now it takes quite a lot of energy to enjoy even the lightest reading on a bad eye day. Books on CD are my saving grace. I can pop one in and knit while I listen to it. Sadly, those little disks of plastic cost quite a lot more than the average book, and most libraries keep a limited stock of audio books. Understandably, they cater to the over 65 crowd, and I cannot fault them for that. I actually understand the budgetary constraints that are limiting most libraries. Personally, I think it sucks.

The worst for me is visual art. I used to have a passion for it. I used to create paintings, and they didn't suck. Oil was my favorite medium, but I enjoyed working in watercolors as well. That world is pretty closed off to me now. I can't see distinctions in colors any longer, nor would I be able to see what my subject is. I see the world as if it were an impressionists painting - fuzzy and blurred about the edges, and that's on a good eye day. That time is done.

There are up sides to this. Because I rely on it more, my hearing and sense of smell are more pronounced. I wont' say that they are sharper, just that I'm paying more attention to them. Because I cannot paint, I create other things. I make knitted items, and I've learned to spin yarn. I will learn to weave when I'm able to have a room for a loom. I've learned to live less in my head, and more in the present than ever before. I've learned to live in this reality every day. Some days I appreciate this, some days it sucks, but I'm doing it. Before, I was very locked in my head. I had to give that up, but that's only a good thing in my opinion. Also, I used to be too independent. No REALLY. Now, I'm having to rely on others, and that's only made my life more wonderful than I could have imagined.I'm blessed with partners who have wonderful vocabularies, and are able to describe the world in great detail when I can't see it for myself. For this, I am more grateful than I'm able to express. Also, they are wonderfully patient with my stubbornness, and never say "I told you so" when I try to see things that we all know I'm not going to be able to.

The world as I see it is a bit fuzzy on some days, and painted in shades of gray on others. No matter what it looks like though, its a pretty awesome place.

The Angry Weepies

2010-07-12T14:48:00.001-07:00

Last Friday, my doctor changed 2 of my medications. In the long term, this will be good for me. In the short term - not so much. Now, I've looked and looked, and found absolutely no evidence for what I'm about to say.

It has been my observation, that any time either of these medications is adjusted, I get very emotional. I get the angry weepies. It lasts for about a week.

The angry weepies are a bitch. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I will suddenly be flooded simultaneously with anger, and sadness. Not for any apparent reason. There's no trigger that I can find. Just suddenly white hot rage and deep black despair warring for my brain for a few moments, and then its gone again for a minute or an hour or so. Most of the time, I don't even know why I'm angry and/or crying. I just AM.

I can't find any reason for this. I can't even find "mood swings" listed as a potential side effect. I keep looking and . . .nothing.

I've swung between wondering if I'm crazy or if these drugs haven't been studied enough. It simply could be that no one looked at this part. These are both blood pressure medications, and as long as they are doing their job, everything's good, right?

I don't think so.

I'm glad that they've been cut in half. I'm glad that I don't need as much. I just wish that I could go through his without the angry weepies. Cuz the Angry Weepies are a bitch goddess, and they have it in for me.

Just gotta get through the rest of this week. . .

Dreaming

2010-05-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

I've been dreaming about my mother and her house a lot lately. Possibly because June 1st is coming (it was her birthday) partly because we're moving.

My mother was a lousy housekeeper. No, really. Like should have been condemned house lousy. When I left home, there were inches of goose & dog feces on the kitchen floor. Yes, I said the KITCHEN floor. The only place in it that wasn't disgusting was my room, because I made sure that none of her animals were allowed in.

My ex and I gutted the place as the first step in remodeling. It wasn't cathartic, as you might imagine. It was disgusting. We did it though. We took that condemnable piece of crap and turned it into a welcoming place to live. We had to bring it down to the studs in some places, but we did it.

Last night, I had a dream that I had to empty the house. It was disgusting again. All of my friends showed up to help. That was the hard part. In my dream, all of the people I consider friend and/or tribe were looking at me and I could see them trying to reconcile what they knew of me with the mess we were walking into. I couldn't stop them from seeing what I had lived in. People were trying to lift things, and having to run outside to retch. It was horrible. The worst part was when my mother drove up in the U-Haul truck and somehow managed to flip it over, thereby making everyone's efforts meaningless. She wasn't hurt, and neither was the truck, but all of the work turned out to be for nothing. I asked her what we were going to do, and she told me to have everyone put everything back.

I screamed at her for a little while, but the gist of it was that I said absolutely not.

Then I woke up.

I'm getting tired of these dreams. I get it. I'm ashamed of my mother. Can we please move on now?

This sums it up

2010-05-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

I found this on Ravellry.com . It sums up a lot of my attitudes about life & family. I'm sharing it because I have made that cut with members of my family. It wasn't easy, but it was worth the pain I felt in doing it.

Dear Auntie BubboPants,

I am seeking some of your honest help. I have been married for two years now. I will admit that I got married young, but I know I got married to a great guy at a time that was good for the two of us. However, I have not spoken to my mother since before the wedding. She caused my husband and me a lot of drama while we were engaged and preparing for our wedding. She had always been an emotional burden to me, the type that always brought me down when I was feeling good, but some of the things she said and did during my engagement have deeply hurt me and some have truly frightened me. (I am not going into any details because I already attempted to send you a letter about some of the drama and it was over 4 pages single spaced in Word.) The first year I was married I did try to talk to her through letters but that never really worked out, but neither did the phone conversations when I was engaged.

My situation now is this. Last May I graduated from college and did not invite her to my graduation (mixture of her physical pains and a bit of my emotional pain of her not coming to my wedding), she sent me a letter of 12 questions she wanted me to answer and once I answered them she said she would leave me alone. I honestly answered all of her questions. I had expected some sort of hurt response back; she usually acted out of hurt and anger and did so quickly. But I never heard back from her. Six months later Christmas rolls around and my husband and I receive a box of Christmas gifts and a card from her. The card said “I miss you. Hopefully next year will be the one we get to be together.”

Problem is, I enjoyed not having her in my life for those six months. I was happy with where my life was going and I was gaining a lot of confidence in myself. Trying to respond to that was terribly hard and I ended up just sending a simple Thank You note to her. Now my birthday is coming up and I am afraid that she is going to send me gifts again. I just don’t want anything to do with her anymore. I feel terrible because in response to her 12 question letter I told her that it was up to her if she was “good enough” to be in my life, but now I just don’t want her in it and don’t want to give her that chance. How do I tell my mom that though? I have written several mock letters to try and find the right things to say to her without hurting her too much, but is that even possible? I always feel like such a cold bitch when I write those letters because often while I write them I get so angry with her for how she made me feel in the past. AuntieBubboPants, do you have any advice on how to make this easier on both of us?

Signed,
Trying too hard to make her happy

Dear Tthtmhh,

I have 3 families. Really. I lived with my biological family until I was about 12 years old. Then I had a foster family. Later in my teens I was adopted by a new family. I have 3 families. I keep in contact with my foster family and of course with my adoptive family. I do not maintain any contact with my biological family anymore.

It’s not easy, I know. Culture and genetics work to make these everlasting bonds with the people we call family. When I finally eschewed all contact with my biological family some of my friends were incredulous. They could not imagine that I could so casually break what they saw as a completely solid and immutable bond. They thought of their own situations and could not conceive of a situation where they would cut off all contact with their families.

They wanted to know why, they wanted me to explain myself, they wanted to understand.

My life is finite, as is every life. We have these few years to live and breathe and love and move. When I consider the absolute vastness of this universe and the absolute tininess of this life of mine I am liberated. My obligations become clearer. My resolve to live the best life possible becomes stronger.

Your mother is a person like any other and she deserves compassion and understanding. This is true. Also, your mother is a person like any other and her actions have consequences. You are a person like any other and you deserve compassion and understanding, your actions have consequences.

But what is this word “consequence”? We often use it as a euphemism for “punishment”, we see it as a retribution for a misbehavior. Consequence is only loosely related to punishment in that it can describe a sequence of actions that include misbehavior and punishment. But that is too narrow a view. We are all of us just people. We act and react in the best ways we know how. We work to make things better and we work to protect ourselves.

She is your mother, this is your life. You have some finite number of years to experience what this life has to offer and then you are done. She has the same exact opportunities to experience her life in the best way possible and it would seem that part of her life includes making you crazy and unhappy. Sometimes we have to take a step back and examine our burdens. When we do that we often find that some of those burdens are not ours at all, they are not intended for us and we are not obligated to them. Sometimes we have to send the burden back to its rightful owner.

Sometimes we have to walk away from a situation that can only bring pain because that pain is not ours to experience. This is your life now. You are responsible for how you move forward from here.

There will be times in your life when you will experience the burden of great emotional pain. You will feel the width and breadth of emotional hardship and you will not be able to escape it because it will be yours to carry. You will recognize it as yours and you will carry it, you will not walk away. What I am trying to say is that I am NOT saying, “oh, just walk away from everything that makes you sad or uncomfortable!” Life is all about pain and laughter and burdens and love and as you trip along this path of yours you will find all of these things and more. Just make sure you are not carrying a load that is not yours.

This situation of yours is a great knotted ball of pain and there is no way for it to be resolved easily or painlessly. If you want to resolve things with your mother, if you want to improve your relationship you have to go into it knowing that for all your efforts she might not change. This is a risk you have to take and the stakes are time and emotion, you could lose that time and experience that emotion. If you look at this situation and decide that you no longer want the burden of her emotions then the best you can do is a clean cut. To take a deep breath, take hold of your husband’s hand and sally forth down this path of yours.

Sometimes, It Really Works

2010-05-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

Today, a gentleman walked into my office at the Library of Congress, and asked for information that I'm not allowed to give him. My division is part of a subdivision of the Library, called the Congressional Research Service. As the name suggests, we serve Congress - and ONLY Congress. We do not field inquiries made directly from the public. They MUST go through their own Congress person in order for us to help them.

This man had heard that in 3 other offices. He was not happy when I told him this.

"That sounds like something they tell you to say!" he complained.

Well, he was right. It IS something I'm told to say. So, I looked him in the eye, and said "Yes, sir, it is. And I mean this with no offense meant, but you aren't worth my job."

That took him aback. Then he smiled at me, and said that he could respect that. He left, to head to his local library (at least that's what he said) to look for his local Congress people so that he could attempt to initiate a constituent request.

Sometimes, Radical Honesty works.

Fairness in Polyamory

2010-05-04T11:41:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, life isn't fair. In fact, I'm of the opinion that life is seldom fair, but that we do what we can to keep the illusion of fairness in front of us so we don't notice it.

This last week, I had opened an OKCupid account in order to try to find a friend/FB. Someone to go play with every couple of weeks. I'd 'met' a seemingly nice person, with whom all of our family would have something in common on the surface of it (he was a gamer & herb friendly).I did everything right. I told them what I was doing. I set up a meeting time, and let them know that I was going to meet him. I followed the rules we'd all set down. I played fair.

However, due to circumstances outside my control, and honestly, outside theirs, our life has been chaotic lately. This morning, when I was supposed to send this nice gentleman a message confirming our first meeting cuppa, Bronnie & Nick were telling me that they didn't want me to go do this. Not because I'd done anything wrong. Not for any fair reason at all, but because they weren't ready to face this particular hurdle.

No. It isn't fair, but it was honest. They didn't grudgingly say okay, and then get all passive aggressive later on. They told me how they felt. I respect them for that honesty.

Maybe that nice gentleman will be interested still when life settles down. Maybe not. Maybe I've just dodged a bullet, and maybe I've missed a great opportunity. Either way, I know what I have done. I've honored and respected the wishes of those I love, and also kept my word, and the rules by which we live.

That's more important than a cup of coffee with a stranger in my book.

Birds

2010-04-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

My mother owned birds. She owned cockatiels, a Quaker parrot, and finches. Oh, and a lovebird.

She took care of them about as badly as she took care of everything else in her life. Including herself.

A few weeks ago, I had a horrific (to me) nightmare. In it, I was trapped in a room with no door. In this room were dozens of bird cages that hadn't been cleaned, filled with dead & dying birds that hadn't been fed or watered in a long time. The ones that were alive were eating their fellows to survive. There was no door or window in this room, just myself, and dozens of overfull bird cages with abused birds in it. One that struck me hard, and stayed in my mind vividly, was a nesting pair of cockatiels. The female was lying of the eggs, dead. The male was on his last legs, and was sitting on a nearby perch, saying back and forth, ready to topple over.

It was a horrible dream.

Last night, I dreamed of the birds again, but this was different. This time, there was a door. I carried each cage out of the room, out of the house, and opened it and freed the birds. They flew off to find food and water on their own. Somehow, I knew that all of them would be able to survive the winter, and would be strong enough to survive. Then, one by one, I threw the dirty cages and the dead birds into the garbage.

Then I walked away from the house.

I don't know exactly what all this means, but it feels good.

Comfort Food

2010-04-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have had a revelation today.

For years, when I've been upset, I would turn to food. Salty snack food, dairy & meat were among my chosen poison.

These used to bring me comfort. Please note the use of the word "Used".

Today I had my normal lunch. It was good. And suddenly, in the midst of a week of panic & mayhem in my personal life, I was calm. A bowl of carrot sticks brought me CALM!

"WTF?" I thought.

Then I realized, I've set up a dynamic in my head whereby if I eat my old "comfort" foods, there must be something wrong. Even if that something has been resolved and is on its way to being a VERY GOOD THING, there must be something wrong because I'm still eating those foods.

This is beyond bizarre, but its my new pet theory and I'm sticking with it.

Hard Things

2010-04-21T14:20:00.001-07:00

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”

I hate these words. I heard them my whole life, as did everyone in my poly-family. You’d think having tilted society’s windmills on so many other issues, we’d be able to overcome this tiny piece of indoctrination. We weren’t. We had problems. We still have many of them. However, in our attempts to be nice, we said nothing at all. The silence rooted in, and we said nothing. The vine of anger spread, and we said nothing. Large, colorful blooms of resentment sprung up, and we said NOTHING. Everyone of us is guilty of this crime against each other.

Now, it has cost us dearly. This past week, we parted ways with one of our family members. After days of talking, some of it very harsh, and tears, and breaking hearts we have come to this place. Jan will be getting an apartment on his own. Nick, Bronnie & I will be getting a rental home together. We are hoping to remain friends, and tribe, but not family. Please understand, that no one is the “black hat” here. No one is the “white hat”. We are all painted in shades of gray for this, and while there are subtle differences in those grays, they are equal. We are all sharing the responsibility for this relationship ending. This is because we are all responsible for the conditions that led to its demise.

So, if you love someone, don’t be nice. Be honest. Be honest with as much compassion and mercy as you can, but be honest. There are sometimes things that must be said that simply cannot be said in a way that is “nice”. So be honest. Let compassion and your own genuine pain come through in the saying of those words, but say them. Learn from us. Do not make the mistakes we made. Don’t avoid a problem hoping it will “work itself out” or think that its not as big as you think it is. A problem for anyone is a problem for the family, and if caught early, can be weeded out and resolved. Waiting too long only builds resentment and anger. Waiting too long only destroys the little affections that add up to love. Then, when you have talked about the problem. when you have reached a solution, let it go. Let the anger & resentment go. Let the blame go . To do otherwise will kill your family as you know it. I know this to be true, now.

Family Gifts

2010-03-26T11:58:00.001-07:00

The women in my family have been 'gifted' with a rather icky form of foresight.

We dream the death of family members before it happens.

Last night, I did this. Let me tell you, forewarned sucks! Mostly b/c this particular family member a) isn't speaking to me, and b) wouldn't believe this dream if he were. I called the one person who might be able to tell him, but I'm pretty sure he won't listen. I'm hoping that by telling someone, I'll avoid the recurrence problem that plagued my mother. My mother dreamed the death of her brother for months before it happened.

Why couldn't I have got the red hair, or blue eyes?

Oh well.

No Subject

2010-03-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

This is a bit of mindless rambling.

Okay, its not mindless, but it might be rabling. And its most definetly frothing at the mouth. Its about my Ex.

I worked hard to try to have an amicable divorce. I worked VERY hard. I gave up on quite number of fights I could have prolonged. I backed away from others that could have started. I did this because we have a child together.

Last week, I brought up something that my ex was supposed to have paid off over a year ago, that is showing up on my credit report. He went apeshit.

I'm not playing nice any longer.

There are no friendly divorces. I should have crushed the soul out of him when I had the chance. Instead, I'm having to pay for all this, and for the grand privilege of having him raise my daughter in a manner not of my choosing.

I should have fought. I would have won. I didn't fight because I was hoping that we could keep this friendly, for our daughter's sake. Only I was the only one trying, and just like in marriage, it takes 2 people working at it to make this dynamic work. My ex never wanted to do any of the work in our relationship, either during or after marriage.

I have finally negotiated the last of the credit messes that he caused.
I have less than 2 years until the child turns 18.
On that day, I'm throwing a party, and its not for my daughter. Its for me. Its a liberation party. I'm finally going to be free of him. At that point, I never have to speak to him again. Ever.

And I won't.

I'm done playing nice.

Crutches

2010-01-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

My mother used to give her "testimony" at church. She would say that she'd believe in her "proud" youth that "religion was a crutch for those that need it". Then she would go on to talk about a night in her later thirties when she'd first committed my father, and was alone in a car after doing so, on the side of the road, crying, when she became a christian. She said she happily used crutches from that point on.

I actually believe that everyone has a crutch. Or several. But they scare me. You see, crutches can be used to hold someone up. They can also be used to beat someone down.

Both of my parents beat me with their crutches. My mother used her crutch of fear when I was a teenager to control me. Now, I'm not saying that parent's shouldn't control teenagers. I'm not. But there is a fine line between good parenting and controlling weirdo. My mother crossed it. She crossed it out of fear. She was terrified that something would happen to me, and I would die. I'm a diabetic and have been since I was 10. From the time I was diagnosed, she let her fear control my life. I wasn't allowed to play sports because I was a diabetic and could have a low blood sugar and die. I wasn't allowed to go on field trips because I might forget to take my insulin without her to tell me and die.She sat outside of every high school function I went to in case something might happen, and she'd need to be there. She told me repeatedly that I would never live a full and long life. It was her fear talking. But then her fear ruled her. She didn't live a full life, because she was afraid to.

My father's crutch was manic depression. And he bludgeoned our family with it. If the world got to hard, you could count on Bob to attempt suicide & get committed. When he wasn't doing that, he'd be on a "high" blowing the rent money on shirts & shiny presents, and then moving us when the landlord kicked us out. He also lived for a bit of illicit thrill. He enjoyed hanging out with "bad boys", and acting like a teenager. I remember one summer when I was little, we were hurriedly shipped off to my grandmother's & aunt's for a long time, and I don't know why, but I found out later (from what little my grandmother would tell me) that something my father did ended up with us having to move & the family receiving death threats. To the day she died my mother wouldn't tell me what happened. But that was Bob. He didn't stop to think about the consequences of his actions, and then when the shit hit the fan, he'd go mental until the coast was clear and someone else had cleaned up the mess.

Last night & this morning, I realized that I'm afraid of the crutches of those around me, whether they are poised over my head or not. The fact that they exist makes me afraid. And yet, I know that everyone has them. Everyone has crutches. The real difference is that not everyone hits other people with their crutches. Some people actually use their crutches to prop themselves up until they don't need that crutch anymore. Because of my childhood though, I live in fear that one of these days, that crutch might just get raised to whack me in the head.

Maybe that's one of my crutches? I wonder if the first step in the process of laying down a crutch is simply noticing that its there?

Light at the end of the tunnel

2009-08-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

And according to all the evidence, its neither the afterlife, nor an oncoming train!

I wen to my Doc yesterday (endocrine). According to what I've discovered with the changed in my diet & exercise, I may not be a type 1 diabetic. I may just be a type 2 diabetic.

For the short term, this doesn't change a whole lot. I'm still having to battle uphill to lose weight & maintain everything.

For the long term, this may mean greatly reduced if not eliminated insulin usage.

This is phenomenally good news.

My doctor & I are cautiously optimistic. Very cautiously.

Not a Breathairian and other reamblings

2009-08-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

Well, we went to the dietitian a couple of times, and things are better. I'm on a diet that limits my carb intake to 45g/meal, or 15g/snack, no more than 60g of protein a day, no more than 2000mg of sodium or potassium a day.

This is workable, but not preferable. The reason for this is that the potassium restriction cuts out a lot of legumes and fresh fruit and vegetables that I was eating regularly. However, Nick & I talked to the dietitian, who talked to the kidney doctor, and the general idea is that we do this until I lose enough weight to maybe get off my meds that are making my potassium levels rise. I've already cut my insulin in half, and I'm hopeful that the rest will follow, even if it takes time.

So, things are looking less grim.

I'm discovering that the life-lesson for this time in my life is to be kind to myself. Its harder than you'd think! For me, it involves going to bed early enough to get the rest I need (which is apparently quite a lot), staying within my diet, & such suches. But its also doing little things. I started knitting myself a pair of socks. I"ve now ripped it out three times, and am now half way through the 6inch cuff on the first one, and having a hard time making myself work on this project. This is from a woman who can whip out a pair of socks in 2-3 days for anyone else. I completed a pair of mittens in 2 days, and I can't knit a sock for myself in 4? Its starting to make me wonder why I don't allow myself to complete nice pretty projects for myself. I have 2 shawls in the works that I've been working on for a long time. One of them for over 4 years. I still can't complete them.

I need to explore this, and get to the bottom of it. And I will. But right now, I'm going to go finish the cuff of that damned sock.

A Breathairian

2009-07-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

That's me. B/c Air is now the only safe thing for me to consume.

I started out on this road, already on a limited carb diet. Then I had to limit protien, Okay, I balanced that, and also limited fat, cuz well, YEAH. Then I had to do the no added salt thing. Okay, worked that in, no problem.

Now I have to limit my potassium.

I no longer no what to eat. Seriously. I'm starting to have anxiety whenever I think about taking a bite of anything. Is it wrong in some way? Am I going to throw something off? I don't have a lot of wiggle room here.

I'm trying to make an appointment with a nutritionist, but that's apparently difficult, as the only one I can find doesn't return her phone messages.

(Yeah, I'm feeling the stress on this one)

And my doctor's are telling me to relax. Yeah. Its easy for them. They only have to recommend things, they don't have to live it.

Closing Up

2009-07-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

For a while now, Nick & I have been looking for a new lover. Actively, even.

We aren't anymore. Not because we have found Mr./Ms. Wonderful-Poly, but because we are tired of sifting through the Mr./Ms. Not-Wonderful-Not-Poly's. Too many people who either are great, and walk away, or who are so not great that we wished we'd never met them.

So, we aren't looking anymore. We both are okay where we are, and happy with each other. Nick has one other lover, and while I'd like another, I'm just not willing to slog through any more crap to get one. So, I guess I don't want ont hat badly, now do I?

We've left it with a "If Mr./Ms. Perfectly-Wonderful-Poly drops into our lap, and convinces us that he/she is all that & a bag of rice chips, we'll think about it." This eventuality is extremely unlikely,and I'm not going to hold my breath.

So, for all intents & purposes, our circle is closed to new people. And I feel pretty darned good about that fact.

Full Circle

2009-06-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

In my old job, one of my duties was to translate Tech to the Team and the Team to Tech. I was pretty good at that part of that job, too.

Well today, as I stood in our Director's office, explaining what the next step in getting a printer fixed was, I realized I'd come full circle. I was explaining the Tech office's rationale to her, after having explained the frantic squakings of the attorneys to the tech who came down.

Yup, some things just never change.

Unwanted

2009-06-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my father called me. He asked if he could visit me. He's coming to the city I live in you see, and felt that it was appropriate to ask this even though I have been actively not speaking to him for over 2 years.

Last night, I had nightmares about him showing up at my office (which is in a public building) and causing a scene that got me fired.

I haven't spoken to my father in so long for a number of reasons, but distilled down, its because he flings drama like monkeys fling poo. I've worked hard over the years to have a stable and happy life. My father has worked harder and for much longer at maintaining a high drama, high chaos life. And he's not content to let others be simple and happy. He seems to feel the need to draw all those around him into his chaos.

I want none of it.

I don't want the rabid fundamentalism, nor the hypocrisy and judgementalism that is used to maintain it. I don't want the trouble with money. I don't want the trouble with the law. I don't want the rumors and lies. I don't want the addiction to medication, illegal drugs (we're talking the hard stuff here folks), or attention. And oh is he addicted to attention. I don't want the constant strife.

I don't want him. Its that simple. What I'm having a hard time determining is why he continues to seek me out. Is it because I'm the "one that got away"? The one who truly doesn't need him to be happy? Is it simply that he fears that if any of his children walk away that all of them will have the courage, and leave him with no audience? I don't know. I don't really understand someone pursuing someone who clearly doesn't want them, and who has clearly stated this both orally, in writing, and most importantly, with action.

I cannot deal with his need for drama & chaos, and more importantly, I cannot deal with his need to suck me into it. So, I stopped. I stopped seeing him, communicating with him, and my final communication was to tell him why. As is typical for him, he chose to ignore it. My father builds his reality carefully, only "remembering" or "hearing" what he cares to. Nevertheless, I'm stubborn (got that from my mother!). I maintain my distance, to the point of hanging up on him at once if he contacts me. Only now, he's figured out that I simply cannot hang up at work. So that's where he calls. I am curt. I get off the phone as quickly as possible. I make it extremely plain that I'd rather be poked with hot needles than endure that conversation, however brief.

I feel somewhat trapped. I know its silly. I really do, but I can't help the feeling nevertheless. I'm also with the logical part of my brain, very aware that he's enjoying this. Which further angers me. I simply don't know how to drive home the fact that I don't want to speak to him. I would really rather pretend that he wasn't alive.

When my father dies, it will be a relief. I won't have to worry anymore if its a number I don't recognize. I won't have to fear opening my email. I won't have to listen to my sister telling me how he was whining about how cold and stubborn I am, and how he just doesn't understand what's going on. I won't have to feel trapped. There will be no warm fuzzy memories to temper that relief.

I can't, at the moment, think of much that he's taught me that I could be proud of, or use without getting jail time for a felony. He spent my childhood either in jail, in his recliner, or screaming at someone. If he was in a good mood, we feared his spending the rent money in the high of his uncontrolled mania. If he was depressed, he was either writing bad checks, or suicidal. He did fun things with the boys (or so I've been told), but he also has been accused of molesting them, so that's a double-edged sword. My sister & I were roundly ignored for being female, and therefore uninteresting. Now looking back, I think that was a blessing.

It was only as we got older, and the boys moved away to their lives that he began to take any sort of an interest in us. I personally believe that he did so because he was afraid of being alone.

This is not my problem. This is not my responsibility. I did not create this situation, and the fact that he donated the sperm to create what would become me simply isn't enough to make me take up that yoke of responsibility. There are those who would fling "Honor thy mother & father at me". To them, I say that I will honor the honorable. I very clearly remember the day my very fundamental baptist mother told me that I had to respect him. I replied "Respect is earned. It is not a right. I will be polite, but he has never earned my respect, so I can't give it to him." I still remember her face as she struggled to find some argument, and then admitted that I was right. I was 12 at the time.

So what did I get from my father? I got my brown eyes. I got my big ears. I got a very agile mind that, if I chose, could be just as devious and twisted as his. I have not so chose.

That is the crux of why I don't have anything to do with him. He made a choice that I can't live with. He chose his path long ago, and I have chosen to walk another way. He won't accept this peacefully, so we must simply not be in communication with each other.

Its that simple. I don't want him. More to the point, I don't need him. When I needed a father, he was out west somewhere, doing whatever get-rich-quick scheme had taken him that month, and I was stuck with a mother whose depression was overwhelming her, a grandfather who was dying, and a grandmother working hard to keep the family going. That's when I needed a father. I'm an adult now. I live independently, and stand on my own, as much as any of us do. I've built my life without him. I know this may sound like an angry child punishing someone, but its not. I had him in my life up until the day he called me to falsely accuse my ex-husband of molesting our daughter. He called me in tears to tell me that she'd just hung up with him, having told him this, because she was afraid of telling anyone else. I called her immediately. She was at a friend's house. I had to ask her if this was true (I mean, c'mon! What self-respecting parent WOULDN'T). She told me she hadn't spoken to her grandfather in more than a month, and that her father had never touched her in that way - ever. She still hasn't spoken to him since. I called him back, told him enough was enough, and that I was done. Don't call, don't write, I don't want you anymore. I then called my ex, and explained this to him, and told him that I wouldn't be in contact any longer, and that if he wished to bring our daughter by, that the consequences were on his head, and I advised against it. He more than happily agreed.

He called.
He wrote.
He continues to do so.

I guess I just don't have words to describe how baffled I am about this. Why? Why does he persist? Why won't he just leave me alone?

It boggles the mind.
And causes the occasional bad dream.

Half-Blind Chick Foibles

2009-06-05T06:50:00.000-07:00

So, its raining today in good ol' DC.

I got to work, and started to collapse my umbrella. . .

And poked some very nice gentleman in the butt with the point of it.

He was very gracious, and I was very embarrassed. I explained "no depth perception" and apologized.

Worldly, graceful & chic are just things I will never be!

HOORAY & Grrr

2009-06-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

HOORAY First:

I went to the kidney doc this morning, and things are doing GREAT! My protein level is down to 1.1 (from 1.5, down from 3.1 in September). This is everything working right,and headed in the right direction. WOOT

Now Grrr:

I'm having one of those days where everything is irritating me like sand under my bathing suit. Everyone is pissing me off. Especially management today. Partly b/c they are clueless (we're having a security problem, so they, and I mean this quite literally, rearranged the plants in the lobby), but mostly its b/c the director has the whineyest voice, and the other managers are following suit. Are we F'ing LEMMINGS? WTF?? You are all intelligent people, so let it shine!

I also woke up in this mood. Just irritated. Cranky.

I want steak. (finished yesterday, but didn't get steak this month)

The Crazy Ping

2009-05-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

Had an interesting conversation with a friend last night.

She, my partner & I all went out to a BDSM Munch together. For those of you who don't know, a munch is where a bunch of people who enjoy kinky sex get together to eat & socialize and, well, talk about kinky sex. We also talk about other things too. Its a let your hair down kinda thing.

Well, this particular friend had been a play partner at one time, but is now happily ensconced in a relationship with another person. We're still friends. Good friends I'd say.

So we all went to the restaurant, where we met a bunch of very nice people. One of the women set off my "unstable-dar". She later told me that she was bipolar. I have a healthy respect for people with mental illness of all types. They don't have it easy in our society. However, I also have a healthy wariness. My father used his mental illness (like his mother before him used her diabetes) as a crutch and a whip. It was his excuse to be an immoral bastard.

On our way home from the restaurant, I asked my partner -who had exchanged phone numbers with this woman - to handle the situation with caution. I told him my misgivings, and while I felt she was a nice person, until we were certain she was stable, to please go carefully. My friend asked why I asked this of my partner (who is also my Dom, but that's another conversation). I explained to her that I knew too many people who had problems similar who weren't responsible with their meds. Right now, in my life, I have enough to deal with, and don't want that mess to clean up.

At which point she tole me she was bipolar.

Well, crap. I then had to explain that some of my caution was coming from my "unstable-dar" pinging like mad. I also had to explain that she NEVER EVER made that ping occur. She then told me that she figured out a long time ago that going off the medication is a bad idea, and that the woman made her ping too.

It brought me to an interesting train of thought. Its really a sad state of affairs in our culture that mental illness is such a taboo still. We are in the best time to date to deal with some of these problems, and yet, we still have this stigma attached to admitting the problem even exists.

Mental illness should be no different than diabetes, or blindness, or any other inconvenience. I use the word "inconvenience" because "disability" isn't accurate. I as a diabetic on the fuzzy-to-blind end of vision (okay up close, little distance, no night vision, and good gods don't ask me to pick out colors), I can do anything I set my mind too. Might take me longer, but I can still do it. Mental illness from what I can judge, when handled properly, is the same. You get help, you see a doctor, you take your medication, and you live life. Rinse, repeat. Contrariwise, when not handled properly, it can leave you a gibbering pile of mush in the corner. You know, the same can be said of any other medical condition.

Folks, a dinged up part in an engine doesn't mean the whole car is ready for the scrap yard, and one dinged up part isn't more or less important than another. So why the stigma attached to a dinged up brain, instead of a dinged up endocrine system, or heart, or eyeballs, or legs, or whatever?

Folks, we live on a dumb planet. Here's hoping we figure it out.

Hmmm

2009-05-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

This must be what doing speed feels like. . .

I'm full of energy. I'm ready to tackle anything (and anybody).

My doctor doubled my thyroid medication, and I'm loving life at the moment.

I can't help but wonder if this is the sort of energy that "normal" people are supposed to have? Does everyone have the ability to feel like this, and I just was missing it b/c I thought I was getting older, because I'm fat, ect.? People would tell me (oh so condescendingly at that) that if I'd just exercise more, my energy would pick up. You know, that doesn't work as well as you'd think when your thyroid gland isn't cooperating. I would drag my butt to the gym, and pay for it until the morning of the next time I was scheduled to go to the gym. SUCKTASTIC! I'm hoping for better results now. :D

Its strange, its cool, and its a bit scary, but in a good changes sorta way!

WOO HOO I love my thyroid medication!

Clawing My Way To The Surface

2009-05-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

As most of the peeps who read this know, I have been clawing my way out of a bad credit hole for quite some time. I'm divorced, and I stupidly while married let my ex do some things that landed me in this hole. He did some sans permission that dug it deeper. But I let it happen, whether by actively ignoring or passively not paying enough attention. And I've been paying for it.

I've reached a new level on my digging out.

I've been approved for a high interest, let us hose you type of credit card. But its the unsecured type. Its a low limit, which I'm fine with, and I read the fine print.

It'll cost me to have this, but I figure that after a year or so of steady record on it, I'll be able to qualify for an unsecured low limit/low interest card account through my credit union. Then I can ditch the expensive card.

That's the plan anyway. This is another step int he process.

I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

Even if the lenders don't think so, I'm really happy about being able to show a steady paying off of the bad stuff, and steady continuing of paid bills & the like since I left my ex. To me, anyway, it means that I'm better off without him. Its affirmation of instinct/intuition.

It means I can make it w/o anyone if I need to. Which is very VERY important. That knowledge keeps me sane.

The Lily Bard Series

2009-05-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

Hey All,

These are REALLY good. Not in an in-depth sorta way. but in a quick engaging read sorta way. The sex is glossed over for plot, which as I get older, and realize that most people who write torrid sex scenes don't actually have sex, I seem to prefer.

Lily Bard (Shakespeare) Series

1. Shakespeare's Landlord
2. Shakespeare's Champion
3. Shakespeare's Christmas
4. Shakespeare's Trollop
5. Shakespeare's Counselor

I've just finished Shakespere's Landlord. I love the main character (Lily) and really enjoy the small southern town portrayal. The author certainly knows small towns! As to the Southern part, I can't speak, but this is a good series so far.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: The main character is a survivor of a violent kidnapping & rape, so if you are sensitive to this sort of topic, you may not want to read, or at least you may not want to read w/o foreknowledge. But she is a survivor. In all the best & worst that it means. :/

This keeps coming up. . .

2009-05-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Its been a recurring theme in my life for about 2 weeks now.

Working on a relationship. Or relationships - Your mileage may vary.

It seems that working on relationships seems to be universal, but I've come to the conclusion lately that polyamorous peoples must really ENJOY doing so. It seems that its a whole lot of work for the relationship to hold together and function properly. Like a complicated machine. Which isn't to say that simple machines (i.e. monogamous relationships) don't require maintenance, they do. Absofragginloutely. But it just seems to me that the more parts you add, the harder each part has to work to make sure that the whole is functioning properly.

So maybe that - ultimately - is the difference between poly people and monogamous people. Its not the sex, its not the love, its that poly people like to tinker more. Kinda like the difference between someone who buys a computer intact, and someone who buys the parts and assembles it him/herself. In the end, if you do it right, you end up with a fine computer. Its just that one take significantly more tinkering than the other. Both take time and research and effort, its just that one takes more. And either can critically fail or succeed based on what they are working with. And most importantly, neither is a wrong way, its just a different approach.

Maybe the one common thread in poly people is that we are all process people.

Could be. Or not. Your opinion's mileage may vary as well.

Okay Enough

2009-05-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

The American Public needs to calm down.

No, I'm not talking about Swine Flu. That's later. Or maybe it was earlier. Can't tell.

I"m talking about the TARP fund panic that simmers at a low heat most of the time but bubbles up whenever people feel the need.

I just had an amusing call.

I answered the phone, as I always do at work, "Hello, American Law Division"

The irate woman on the other end sputters "AMERICAN LOAN DIVISION! What is this country coming too! NOW WE"RE JUST GIVING OUT SO MUCH MONEY THAT WE NEED A WHOLE DIVISION TO KEEP TRACK OF IT!"

I very calmly replied, "Ma'am, I said American LAW Division."

Her reply: "Oh. I have the wrong number." and she hung up.

People, please. Get a grip, and try to deal with this calmly and rationally. I know its hard, but everyone will get through this if we just don't panic.

Brain Tired

2009-04-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

I had a good night's sleep. I'm not physically tired. I'm Brain Tired.

I'm at work, and I don't want to DO anything. I don't want to work. I don't want to goof off in the usual ways. I just want to go home ans sit with a cuppa and not think. No reading, no knitting, no doing anything.

A part of me is wondering if this is because I'm finally getting the emotional break I've been wanting. Nick's @ festival. Jan's going to his girlfriend's. Bronnie's - well, Bronnie isn't an emotional burden most of the time anyway, and is able to be placed on hold if necessary.

The drama-pause button has been pushed, and my brain is breathing a sigh of relief, and demanding tea and staring into space.

The ironic part of this is that I'd planned a WHOLE bunch of things to do to keep my mind of the fact that Nick wouldn't be here. And now here I am just wanting to sit and be. I'm still planning to do all the stuff I'd planned, just on the weekend. Not now. Later.

I'm sure by the end of this week, I"ll be missing Nick. About 1/3 of me does right now. But the rest of me is just looking around going "huh. This is what quiet looks like".

So, I think I'm going to go home tonight, make myself something easy, like scrambled eggs, and just sit there with a cup of tea and vegetate.

Diet Secrets of the Ancients

2009-04-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

1. Always eat the same things. No matter what.
2. Only eat bland food. Or if its not bland flavored, then it must be visually unappetizing. Both is best.

These two things will ensure that you don't overeat, and therefore will lose weight.

It will also take almost ALL the joy out of eating, so you don't eat for comfort.

It also helps if you can't drive, and don't do your own shopping, so that you don't have the choice about bringing more bad for you but yummy food into the house.

Just sayin's all.

Excuse me, I think the next table needs its reality check.

2009-04-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

If I were Barack Obama, I'd be pretty darned happy that THIS is what my enemies were using as tear-down tactics.

Obama Dog Story on Yahoo

Cuz, a DOG is such a threat to the nation and all. . .

Give it a rest folks, its a kids pet. I sincerely doubt that anyone is conspiring to give Malia Obama a used dog to make her dad look good.

Sick & Tired

2009-03-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

And I'm tired of both.

I've been sick for 6 weeks. The first week was an intestinal flu. Then a cold, that turned into a sinus infection.

Now I have a UTI.

Can I just say that right now, my life is a major pain the pahootie?

More Good News!

2009-03-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

I can read paperbacks again.

I know to most people this seems like a very little thing. When I first came up here, before my surgery, large print books were blurry and hard to read. Now I am back to reading paperbacks. And I can even do it without my glasses if I have to, though its clearer and easier with than without (well, duh!).

This is AWESOME news.

Good News

2009-03-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

A bit delayed b/c of a sinus infection.

When I went to the kidney doctor for the first time, my protein ratio was 3.3 (Not sure what this means, even after the explanation). Friday, I went again, and found out that my protein ratio is now 1.3.

Talk of transplant is now on hold. Dr. Rosen said that he very rarely sees an improvement like this in diabetics.

WOOT!!

He told me he'd like to see this number under 1, and said that with every confidence that I could do this.

:D

The Good, The Bad, & The Weird

2009-02-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

The Good: Its Friday.
The Bad: I've been sick most of this week.
The Weird: Not only is one foot, one hand and one breast noticeably bigger than the other, this morning, I discovered that one EAR CANAL is bigger than the other. My in-ear earbuds for my iPod were chaffing one ear. So I decided to try the next size up on that side for the little silicone tips.

It Fit.

I know, I know, everyone is slightly bigger on one side. But DUDE. Not like this.

On the silver-lining side, I now have a complete extra set of earbud tips.

I've Just Figured It Out

2009-02-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

There are exceptions to the following.

I've just discovered that most people who become lawyers, do so b/c they cannot do anything else in life. I don't mean this in a "save the world" kinda way. I mean it in a lacking the ability to learn skills sorta way.

I just had one come to my desk squawking about a printer malfunction. I went to the printer.

It was out of paper. It said so.
The paper was RIGHT NEXT TO THE PRINTER.

She wasn't able to figure it out.

Brilliant mind. . .NO common sense, practical skills, or other useful abilities.

I actually am starting to feel better about my job. Except that I really am Mommy-ing for a living!

Thrift Stores

2009-02-09T11:39:00.000-08:00

Well, this weekend I did something I haven't done willingly since I was a child.

I walked into a thrift store.

I have horrible memories of my mother trying to outfit all of us in thrift stores. I also have horrible memories of having to wear the clothes from said thrift stores.

This one wasn't so bad. Really. I got 2 nice coats, a nice skirt, and 2 really nice sweaters. All for under $40. Which made my wallet & Nick very happy campers.

I'm planning to bring the Pootie wonder child there. Unlike my mother, I'm not going to try the "Well this is what I'm buying so you can just deal" routine. I'm going to appeal to her logic. 1. I only have a limited amount of money to buy her clothing. 2. She can use the money on new cloths, or use it a thrift store and get more bang/buck. 3. Its far more environmentally considerate to purchase clothing from a thrift store than to purchase new clothing! (that last one is my really big gun)

And she doesn't have to. But I've been to this one, and it doesn't have a whole lot in the way of granny clothes!

The Scars You Don't See

2009-02-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

Not all child abuse leaves scars you can see.

My sister & I were just on the phone. We were talking about a pattern of our mothers that has scarred us both to the point of near mania about it. She just realized that she was starting to fall into the pattern in her attempt to not be like our mother.

I've already fallen down that rabbit hole myself, and am paying the price with my health. Thankfully, it didn't affect my daughter as nearly as immediately as it did my sister & I.

My mother wasn't abusive in the traditional ways. The way she was abusive was in being fiercely independent, while simultaneously being grossly unequipped for that independence. There were many people that asked if they could help her. She refused everyone, and then went crazy when she realized that she really did need help, that she really wasn't able to be as independent as she wanted to be. That point came well after the heat broke, the plumbing broke, the food ran out, and the car died. At that point, June stopped. She stopped doing everything. That's when I learned how to pay the bills, and how to grocery shop. At the time, it felt like the only person that was there was Gram, but I know that really isn't true.

I thought I was crazy. That I was crazy for wanting help. Now, looking back from many years away, I can see that it wasn't me that had a problem. I wasn't weak. She was. She was so afraid of someone taking advantage of her, of someone having power over her, that she put all of us through hell. She risked our health and safety, for her independence. Only, the lesson she never learned was that no one is truly independent.

Humans, despite the belief of a few, are herd animals. Omnivorous, highly dexterous, and dangerous herd animals. We thrive best when we live and work in groups. We need our family, our tribe, our community, in order to survive.

June never absorbed this lesson. She believed she could live outside that safety net of help and reciprocation. She wanted neither a borrower nor lender be. The problems was that she didn't realize that attitude doesn't work. One cannot help but relying on others if one is to thrive on this ball of dirt.

June did not thrive.

Until I figured otu this lesson for myself, and cast aside her teachings, neither did I.

My sister came very close to falling into this trap, and carrying her children into it with her.

No, not all abuse leaves scars you can see. Life would be somewhat simpler if it did. (And yes, I believe this was abusive behavior. Its too destructive and long-reaching to be anything but.)

In the wise words of my eldest step-niece!

2009-02-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

to the females on my list.
Share
Today at 1:52pm
I am tagging everyone who is female on my list because I have had it.
I have had it with females who hover over public bathroom seats and in so doing, pee on the seat.
2 of the stalls in the bathroom today had toilets with pee on them.
adream sent me this once:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/05/06/o.tinkler/index.html
and it's funny, but the woman never clearly addressed the true nature of the problem.
the myth of how sitting on the goddamned toilet seat will give you diseases.

females don't sit on the seat because of what other women have said.

don't listen to what your mother has told you.
seriously. she's wonderful and sweet and beautiful and smart, but she's freaking wrong.
I did some research.
no diseases can be contracted from sitting on a toilet seat.
know why?

toilet seats are hard and cold.
bugs and bacteria? yah, don't like to hang out in toilet seats. they die.
this includes crabs.
yes, even if you went in there .5 seconds after the last girl.

STDs are spread through sexual contact.
you might try to be clever here and contest me with, "oh yah? what about syphilis and herpes?!"
and you know that is another consideration, because both of those can be spread through lesions.
but you know what?
you need to be in physical contact with their lesions.
are you touching the toilet seat with your hands, and then masturbating or sucking your thumb in a public restroom stall?
if so, then you might have a larger issue than my issue with other girls' pee.
also, think about how you sit on the toilet seat.
where is your vagina and anus?
are they on the seat?

skin is an amazing defense against bacteria and disease.
it's your hands that do most of the injury.
not somebody else's ass on the toilet seat....because their skin is blocking the bacteria, too.

if there was a pool of blood left on the seat .00000000000001 seconds before you got in the stall, and you had an open cut, and the open cut was smeared with the blood (and I'm talking about you rubbing around in it)...then, yes, maybe.

otherwise, no. not at all. never.

so, please, sit on the seat, so there isn't pee.
tell your mum, too.

let us stand, or sit in this case, as intelligent women in the next public restroom stall we enter, because we know we are safe, because our bodies are equipped with things such as skin to protect us against diseases that were never actually on the seat to begin with.

let us stand (sit) against this rumor, which by the way I heard was started by adulterous men to explain their wives' STDs away with a public restroom instead of their cheating bastardness.

let us pee in the bowl, and make every public restroom experience better for the next gal.

a revolution of the public toilet.

you want references?:
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=46642
http://www.webmd.com/hiv-aids/top-10-myths-misconceptions-about-hiv-aids
http://www.straightdope.com/pages/faq/cecil

OMG

2009-01-14T10:09:00.000-08:00

I'm getting old.

I just pulled my first ever chin hair out of my face.

This is EXTREMELY disturbing to me. I'm someone who can go for a very long time without shaving my legs. I don't have lip hair (like my sister), and what body hair I do have is very fine.

So the ONLY thing that this f-ing hair could mean is that I'm getting old.

I'm not ready to be old. I don't feel old. Heck I barely feel old enough to vote or be intoxicated. WTF??

I don't like this one bit!

Just for the record.

WOOT!!`

2009-01-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

We're coming down to Jax 1/19-1/? (Sometime between the 21 & 25)!!

WOOT

WOOT WOOT WOOOOOOOOT

Traffic Jesus

2009-01-05T08:22:00.001-08:00

I found Traffic Jesus.

He was hiding in a NC rest stop bathroom the whole time.

For those intrepid travelers among you who read my blog, Traffic Jesus is 511 dialed from your cell phone. An automated menu will give you the traffic reports for the highways around where you are, by city locations.

If you are stuck & frustrated on the road, dial Traffic Jesus and you will be enlightened!

PRAISE TRAFFIC JESUS!

Time to get out of Dodge

2008-12-29T14:05:00.000-08:00

Well, its that time.

Inauguration Day is coming.

Because of the rather historic properties of this particular one, "they" are estimating 4 million people will be coming to DC.

I don't like people much.

I like crowds even less.

So, if I can get the days off, Nick & I are fleeing to the sunny south (Jacksonville) to see our friends and hang out while the rest of the world crowds into DC and gets all Inaugural.

I'd rather chew freshly forged tacks myself. Not that I don't like Obama or anything (Don't know the man, and will probably never ever meet him). But crowds. Big crowds. Choking the metro and streets and GAH!

If we can, we're getting out of Dodge DC.

my eyes are bleary but unclosed

2008-12-16T07:36:00.000-08:00

I've been essentially working 3 jobs.

#1: The Library of Congress. Normally, I sit here and read or knit, but we're getting ready for a new administration, which is up to its eyeballs in an economic crisis. Things are busier than I've ever seen.

#2: While at #1, I use the triangle shawl I'm getting paid to knit as my mandatory move my eyes away from the computer task. I do a task, knit a row. do a task, knit a row.

# 3: at the end of the day, I go home, have dinner, and grab a cup of something caffeinated in order to stay awake long enough to get a couple of hours of typing done for one of the retired attorneys.

I've been essentially getting up and going from 7am - 11 pm.

I'm very tired at the moment.

Today, I'm taking a step back, and reinstituting the lunch-time nap.

Going Green - Kicking & Screaming the WHOLE way!

2008-12-11T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today, I did my part to save a few trees.

Earlier this week, I contacted our recycling people, and pretty much said, "What can we recycle?" They answered "Everything". After a conversation of about 5 minutes, we narrowed down exactly what bins we needed, and they delivered them.

Prior to this, we'd been recycling white copy paper and toner cartridges. Now, we also recycle colored and/or treated paper, magazines, newspaper, and our plastic & aluminum drink containers.

This division is going green! WOOT!

Drive & Focus

2008-12-10T13:23:00.000-08:00

I noticed today that after lunch, my drive & focus are CRAP.

This morning, I was on fire! I was getting stuff done, I was multi-tasking. I was IT for productivity & efficiency.

Then I ate lunch.

Now, I'm lucky to remember what I'm doing from one moment to the next. I'm starting to think that I'm slipping ADD juice into my water or something.

weird.

Here's one for the Vegans

2008-12-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

As if I needed it, I now have a reason to never go vegan

Vitamin B12 sources:
Meat, dairy, eggs, seafood. [Vitamin B12 is only found in animal products, but has been obtained through insect / feces-contaminated grains, fruits, or vegetables],

I never want to eat poo-contaminated ANYTHING. Kay, thanks, BYE.

When the going gets tough. . .

2008-12-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

The tough get KNITTING!

I've just started my first project for pay. One of the attorney's at work has commissioned me to knit her a shawl for her meditation classes. She bought the yarn, and wants a simple triangle shawl.

Aside from that, I'm also doing some side typing work for one of the retired attorneys.

We need money, and the universe has dropped ways to make it into my lap.

Morning of Random Stranger Weirdness

2008-12-04T07:02:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sitting on the metro this morning, and some woman taps my shoulder. I was informed by her that 1) my music was too loud and going to damage my hearing, and 2) that my choices of music were going to poison my brain and soul and send me to hell. After asking the guy who was sitting next to me if he could hear my music (he couldn't), I thanked her for her concern for my hearing, and told her that her message of hope and light would be better received without the judge mental BS. And then I turned my iPod back on, and smiled at her before closing my eyes.

THEN, I was standing at the corner of the intersection at work, next to the crosswalk. I was waiting for the light to turn to the little walkie guy. This woman (different one) starts yelling at me about crossing outside the cross walk, as she crosses against the light.

What the F-ing F? I did check in the mirror, and my "judge me" sign is still out of order. This whole morning has been VERY strange.

The State of the Economy

2008-12-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

Nick can't find a job.

I live in constant fear that I will walk into work and be told the government is downsizing and then be out of a job.

My sister just spent 20 minutes on the phone telling me that her husband was downsized. The company cut all of the people who would have been vested this year, and others totaling 15% of its workforce. They are holding his severance pay until he signs an agreement stating he will not work in that field any more. However, Rick's career has been built doing accounting for companies that do what this company did. They are about to lose their house, and because things have been so bad, aren't likely to get a rental (credit).

I can't help. They don't qualify for any government assistance. The only jobs within 1 hour of their zip code are: Fire fighters, EMTs, Metal fabricators, and cashiers. That's it.

Things are bad everywhere.

And on a totally unrelated, and happier note, the geranium that I've been trying to root into a pot of second-hand dirt at work, has sprouted new leaves.

Kicking it up an ouch.

2008-12-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

Nick & I have had a deal running. If he exercises, I exercise. On him, it helps him fight his anxiety & depression. On my it helps me battle my blood sugar.

Well, Nick's decided that he's tired of being fat. So we're doing pilates 3 tims a week. I'm not sure how many times a week we're doing aerobic exercise, but doing both in one day HURTS.

I will know pain, I will know fear, and then I will (hopefully) shrink.

Happy Leftovers DAY!

2008-11-28T07:43:00.001-08:00

Hello my adoring public!

Its Happy Leftovers Day. I'm at work, because the U.S. Federal Government is silly. There are normally about 50 people in my division. Today, there are 14, including me. Congress is at rest, and all is quiet in the world. I brought an entire grocery bag of knitting projects to work today, to occupy my time constructively. The attorney's, I get. They have stuff to do. I'm here to warm a chair, and look cute. You'll pardon me, I hope, for offering the opinion that I could easily do both from the comfiness and privacy of home bed. Eh, At least I'm getting paid.

Nick's outlook on life is getting better. Bronnie & I convinced him (sort of) that it really is the economy, that is sucking so badly. We also have almost convinced him that while he shouldn't stop looking for a job, he really needs to let go of the guilt about not having one. That keeping house and saving us money on food and bills & such IS contributing to the household, and in a major way. Part of the problem is that deep down, Nick would like nothing better than to be a homemaker. He'd be good at it too! But right now, he's convinced that we need the money (and we sorta do), and therefore feels the need to feel guilty about the fact that by default, he's getting exactly what he's always wanted. Yesterday, Bronnie & I told him in no uncertain terms that the best thing he could do to contribute to the house while looking for a job would be to be a great homemeaker and to dump the guilt. Okay, I said that and Bronnie added a heartfelt "YEAH" to it. But you get the idea.

Sometimes, guilt and people's dealings with it confuse me.

Craptastic

2008-11-25T06:46:00.001-08:00

Nick got a rather generic refusal email from Teach America last night.

Its a bad day at black rock ladies & gents.

He's really upset (my powers of understatement amaze me sometimes). This was the first thing that even got as far as a phone interview, and it seemed really positive. He's taking it personally, and I don't know how much he should, but there is no convincing him (at the moment anyway) that it might be anything other than his inherent suckitude.

Hippie Ship-Shape

2008-11-24T11:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, while we built up virtual time on the football game, so we ladies wouldn't have to harp at Nick to mute the commercials, Nick & I tucked the yard in to bed.

We had asked the yard guys to blow all the leaves over to a massive pile in the yard. From this pile, Nick and I trucked bucketfuls of leaves (we don't have a wheelbarrow!) out to the garden. We spread them over the entire garden patch, and then we filled up the composting bins. We still have some, and I'm hoping to move them to a spot in the backyard from which I can go out and turn them over and try to compost sans bin.

I don't know why it would feel so good to have leaves spread all over the place like this, but it does. I was all contented to have the yard tucked in. Kinda like a squirrel that has gathered its last nut just before the snow starts falling. Only its not likely to snow THAT much here, but the feeling is similar (or so I'd imagine, having never experience being a squirrel!)

After we were done, we went in and drank cocoa. We're starting to think about what to plant come spring. We're gonna start seeds in the house. We want to put in at least 2 more boxes. One in the back, and one (a pyramid) in the front yard. I'd actually like to put in 3 more out back, but we'll see where money stands. Might have to go slow to start. I'm also thinking of putting in some berry brambles. We have a massive ditch in back, and I'm thinking that on the edge of it, we could put in some berry vines. Nothing major, just some raspberries or blackberries. Something to run along the fence and eat the weeds, and give us back something for the stores. We'll see on that one though.

So, our yard is ship-shape in hippie fashion!

I like it that way.

Heading in the right direction

2008-11-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

Had an appointment with my Endocrinologist today. My HbA1C is 7.1 (down from 7.8), my thyroid is at 2.4 (don't ask, I've no idea what the previous number is, but it was bad enough that she doubled my medication, and told me we'd loot at it next time together). My Micro albumin is down. My Blood pressure was 120/70.

All in all, I'm doing better. Not fantabulous, but I'm getting there!

Things are moving in the right direction. Enough so that she doesn't want to see me for 3 months!

Bah Humbug

2008-11-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

I think I'm turning into Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Not in a money way. In the Holidays Suck kinda way.

I've been crabby as all hell lately. Couldn't figure out why. Then, this morning on the train, I caught myself just shy of audibly growling at a "Buy your Christmas Presents HERE" advertisement.

I hate the holidays. Always have. I can't ever remember a holiday from childhood that even approached relaxed and groovy. I remember them as times of great stress, with my mother running around to get everything "perfect" before my Aunt got there. I often wondered what would happen if my Aunt had arrived and we'd been our normal, chaos unrestrained household? Would her head have exploded? Really? I honestly don't know. Might have. Its a toss up. My point here is So FREAKING WHAT? The holidays that we went to my Aunts were actually a relief, because Ma didn't stress nearly half as much. She only had to have us looking presentable, and threatened within three inches of our lives if we did ANYTHING that even remotely made my Aunt think we weren't models of tidiness & order. Which we blew out of the water in the first five minutes anyway, but hey, she still didn't stress as much.

I'm happy to say that neither my sister or I give one rat's ass about what the other lives like, as long as she's happy. Seriously. Or at least I think so. If I'm wrong, Elaine, leave me this delusion. Its a good Christmas present!

Years of stress over the holidays has made me a grumpy panda at that time of year. I shouldn't be this year. I'm ahead of schedule on my annual bribes, er gifts, and Nick & I have already planned on a relaxed & groovy time.

Childhood trauma leading to grumpiness is really hard to shake!

Glasses

2008-11-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

I got reading glasses this weekend.

Its rather amazing to me how well these things work. Most of you probably know this, but I used to have my pc set on "blind chick super +" font, and would lean in and squint to see that! I'm currently sitting back and typing this in a rather comfy and relaxed position. Like a normal human being even! I still have to keep things big to see them clearly, but I'm now able to be comfortable while I look at the PC. More the point, this doesn't give me an excruciating headache by the end of the day.

Things are good when you can be comfy!

Cross Everything

2008-11-13T13:46:00.000-08:00

Pull out the superdeduper chickens for the slaughter.
Nick made the first round of Teach For America!
He's got a couple of interviews rounds, and its not over!

So cross everything, kill some chickens, and think happy thoughts for Nick becmoing a teacher!

Marriage

2008-11-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

I've been married. I'm not anymore, and that's a good thing. I probably will never be married again, as the mere thought gives me hives.

Yet, my views on marriage, like my views on abortion, are tolerant. I don't want to do it, but hey, if you want to, I'm not gonna stop you.

Yet, in CA, the people voted to take away the right of a segment of the population to get married. Please note what I wrote here: They took away a right previously given.

Now, I'm not going into the emotional or moral bits about this. Keith Olberman does a fine job of that. Far more eloquent than I ever could be.

What I"m worried about is precedent. They can take away this right that was granted. Well, what about the right to vote? Women haven't had it all that long. Does this mean it can be rescinded? What about the right of women or minorities not just to vote, but to own property? Again, hasn't been all that long since we've been allowed.

I have been told by others while they shook their head "Oh NO, THAT would never happen!" Well, why the hell not? A legal right is a legal right, and if it can be taken away in one area, why not in another? I'll admit, its unlikely to happen, but I'm simply saying it COULD.

The LG community in CA fought long and hard, with much sweat and tears, and yes, even blood, to gain the right to legal marriage. Not really something I understand, buty hey, if they want to, and they fought for it, what the hell? Then, in this past election, the question was put to the people to REMOVE this right from these people once it had already be granted.

This is abhorrent.

I would seriously like an answer to the following: Why the hell is the government involved in a question of morality and spirituality? Why is the government having ANYTHING to do with marriage?

I was led to believe growing up that marriage was the spiritual union of two souls. This was the fundy baptist view that I was taught. And yes, I was taught that those were only to be male and female souls. I was taught that homosexuality was a nearly unforgivable sin. I know the party line.

So, if marriage is a union of souls, and not simply an archaic property contract, then why the hell is the government involved? And if it is NOT a union of souls, and is simply said property contract, then why the hell does it matter who wants to become whoever's property? I know I'm asking too much here, but please, for the sake of whatever you hold sacred or precious, use your brains on this one!

If all went well, I've included Keith Olberman's rather impassioned plea for emotional sense on this blog. The only thing further I have to say: Look up Matthew 7:5, and think long and hard about your own life before trying to order the lives of others.

Scattered

2008-11-12T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm having a scattered day.

I didn't get my work out in. I got all the way to the tunnel, and was exhausted by the walk.

I've been starting stuff all day, and not realizing it, but sitting staring at the project for minutes without doing anything. I can't settle on anything through to completion.

Just scattered today, and not sure why.

Broken

2008-11-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

My bra is broken.

I hate it when this happens. I just get a bra comfy. Just get it broken in - a process that can take up to 1 year - and SNAP! the freaking underwire breaks!

The person that invents a durable, shapeable, UNBREAKABLE freaking underwire would be wealthy - and large-breasted-women-kind's best friend. Cuz trust me folks, these things don't stay up without some steel reinforced cottony goodness! And they hurt if not being held up.

I've got to the point where I'm SERIOUSLY thinking of getting a new underwire, and attempting to repair it. I like this bra. Its comfy. I just got it where I liked it. And now well, WOOF.

We stand unitedapparently

2008-11-05T10:56:00.000-08:00

I've been talking to folks I work with all day. So far, each person, and not all Dems, either, are hopeful for the coming presidency. President-elect Obama apparently has sent a message of unity to the American people, and they seemed to have listened.

For once, I wasn't one of the few to hear such a message.

Now let's hope he can deliver.

If there's really hope, I'm willing to work

2008-11-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

This morning, I sent and email to the Obama people and a message to the Universe at large:

If hope is still alive, then I'm willing to work. No matter how hard. I'm willing.

The message I sent to the Obama people: I'm here in the DC Metro region, and I'm willing to work on the programs you want to start. Let me know when you start them, and I'll be there with my rather broad shoulders to work for the change you want to happen.

I'm a realist. Change cannot happen with just one person working. It will take hundreds, thousands, if not more to make any changes in this country happen.

I'm breaking family tradition here. I'm getting involved.

Hold on USA, its gonna get bumpy!

Why I hate election day.

2008-11-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

No, in fact, this was not an assigned blog post/essay.

I hate election day. I have for a long time. Its a day that most of America should have off, simply to keep the background anxiety level of the streets to a minimum.

Everyone is talking about it. Its everywhere.

Now don't get me wrong. I went and voted this morning. I was raised to believe that the highest form of service to my country that I could do was to vote at every opportunity. I still, oddly enough, believe that. Military service is a close second that I will never be able to give. I believe that voting is a duty and a right. And yes, I placed duty first, because if one does not perform this duty, the right can be stripped away,

Its this very thing that I fear.

In 2004, I was a poll watcher for the Democratic Party of Clay County Florida. I went and watched at the poll for any funny business. What I saw disgusted me. I saw black people who had been turned away from polling place after polling place. They'd been shuffled around, being told that they had to vote here or there. One young woman, a white girl with a black baby on her hip, had been to 5 other polling places and heard the same story at each. Each time she was told that she wasn't on the books, asked what her address was, and sent somewhere else. She blew up as the attendant who was "helping" her told her to go back to the poll at which she started.

Then there was the modem on the machine. The phone had been ringing in the kitchen of the polling place (it was in a church rec center). A gentleman who I (and the person who was doing the watching with also thought) was a Republican poll watcher went and answered it. He was gone for about 10 minutes. He came back and sat down. At the end of the night, we found out that he was actually the tech specialist for the county elections board. We found this out as he dashed out of the building with the modem to the counting machine, after the phone line supposedly wasn't working. This machine, nor any part of it, was supposed to leave the sight of the polling place supervisor. One of the people who was working at the polls that day looked at the phone jack. It had gum in it.

This morning, I heard a radio report as I was leaving my doctor's office. I haven't been able to verify this report, but the gentleman on the radio said that reports were coming in from Miami FL, in the 103rd Congressional District, that the polling lines were being segregated.

Those who tell you that election stealing is a myth drummed up by conspiracy theorists are trying to distract you. I watched it happen in 2004. I really hope it doesn't happen in 2008.

Sadly, I'm not willing to hold my breath.

This level of anxiety and high emotion are why I hate election day.

Life lessons from the elliptical machine

2008-10-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

1. The day you work out is NOT, I repeat, NOT the day to eat light
- I ended up with a blood sugar of 60

2. Manual 1 setting and Weight Loss 1 setting are NOT, I repeat, NOT the same thing at all!
- I thought my lungs were going to burst, my legs burst into flame, and my ass explode!

3. Wearing an Ipod while doing yoga isn't very soothing. Or relaxing.
- the earbuds kept falling out. Very distracting! The upside of the Ipod was that I didn't have to listen to the chatter of those around me as I did yoga in a rather public-ish place.

And so, the saga of my working out begins. Today was day two at the gym at work. I went Monday, and today, and I plan to go Friday. I think that 3 days a week is a rather solid start. I used to think that if I didn't go every day that it wasn't worth the effort. I've revised that opinion. Mainly b/c if I tried to do this every day, I'd probably fall asleep at my desk in the afternoon, or not be able to walk enough to come into work by the 4th morning!

What a load of CRAP!

2008-10-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

I usually check my horoscope everyday. Mostly for a laugh. I don't plan my life around it, and certainly don't take it seriously.

Today's is one reason why. . .

Your energy is so powerful right now that it will attract some influential people.

You're in the middle of planning something really big and you should be able to get all the information and resources you need to take care of it before the end of the day. Relax and enjoy!

My energy today is in the basement. Actually, it crawled through some of the cracks in the basement floor and tunneled many miles below the surface. Its holding itself hostage, and refusing to come out unless I provide a weekend of uninterrupted rest and relaxation. Along with chocolate, steak, string, fuzz to turn into string, and the attendant tools to play with said fuzz and string.

I'm not attracting flies to my own shit at the moment.

happy birthday to me

2008-10-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

Today I turned 34.
Yesterday wasn't good. We learned that the plumbing int he kitchen disintegrated. As in so rusted that the pipes just went POOF in one place.

We can't cook or do dishes or anything in the kitchen right now.

This past year has been very up and down. Nick finished school, I found out my kidneys are acting up, Jan found true love (again), Bronwyn is stil trying to get her life together.

My knitting has got better. I've learned to spin, and am getting rather good at it. I've got a room of my own, in the house with Nick & Jan & Bronwyn. My cat is healthy, if tempermental (she's a calico, what can I say).

I've got a reasonably stable, good job. It pays my bills and lets me save a little bit. I have good benefits, and am able to take care of myself.

So, overall, life is good. Now if I can just get the kitchen going again sooner rather than later, life will be f-ing amazing.

I wanna play too!

2008-10-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

Its a beautiful day today. I'd love to be out in it. Actually I'd love to take my knitting into the park down the hill from my house, and sit on one of the benches with my knitting, or better yet, on one of the boulders by Sligo Creek and knit the afternoon sunshine away.

Instead, I'm stuck at my desk, waiting for a phone to ring that won't. Because somewhere, there may be some Congress members staff person who DIDN"T take today off to go to a park and sit in the sunshine.

So far today, the phone rang exactly one time.

It was a wrong number.

Tired

2008-10-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

WARNING: bit of whinging below.

I'm tired. Not because of lack of sleep either.

I think its the meds that are keeping my kidneys going.

I'm on a new medication. Its a blood pressure med. It didn't replace the one that I was on, but is supposed to work in synergy with it. And to be honest, its doing what its supposed to do. However, I'm dizzy all the time. I have to move slowly and be careful to hold on to something until I have my balance back. My energy level is CRAP again. Nick noticed this. I'm bruising like mad, and badly.

I don't know what to do about this. The synergy of these medications is supposed to keep my kidneys from going kaplooie too fast, but holy crapzola batman, its throwing me for one hell of a loop.

To the Scammer/Spammers of the world

2008-10-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I'd like to inform you of a few key problems with your scheme.

1. I have a brain. Obviously, you were misled on this point

2. I can spell. You can't. This makes you suspect. I can also use the spell-checker on my computer. You can't. This makes you stupid.

3. You are asking for information that I wouldn't give to my mother, lover, or any other intimate on the planet without someone bleeding out in front of me. Even then, it would depend on the bleeder. What makes you think that I'm goingto share that stuff with you?

4. I'm not financially desperate. I have no relatives that live in any of the following: Nigeria, England, Hong Kong, or other points abroad. I don't play the lottery, and therefore couldn't have come up on the English/Irish/Nigerian lottery. Nor the American one either.

5. I work for the freaking feds. I don't need your presumed "5,000/month". I'm a firm believer in slow & steady wins the race, and your job offer (for what I firmly believe is a non-existent job) is neither of those things.

Just thought I would inform you of these basic flaws in your master plan.

Please return to your regularly scheduled annoying of me.

At least it wasn't on 12/01

2008-10-03T06:40:00.001-07:00

I was 5 minutes late for work this morning.

A woman had some sort of seizure on the platform of the Metro. Could have been anything.

Looked just like the way my mother died.

Mom and I went shopping on 12/01/2001. She was 60 years and 6 months old to the day. She wanted, for the first time in her life, to get all of her holiday shopping DONE before christmas. So we left the house early, and hit sales, and such, and then went to Butcherboy to get our months meat, and weeks groceries. She'd been complaining all morning of being tired, but my mother at this point in her life was always tired. She had heart problems out the wazoo. This morning wasn't new or different. We finished up at the butcher, and left, she told me she was going to sit down in the car while I loaded the groceries. Again, nothing new. I turned around to grab some bags, and she made a weird choking/coughing noise. When I turned back, she was grey and looked like she was having some sort of seizure. I bellowed for help, and people came. Someone got her out of the car and tried CPR. Someone else called 911 on my phone. I couldn't do anything, so I loaded the groceries into the car, and cried. The ambulence came, and I called my sister when I found out where they were taking her. She was already dead by the time the ambulence got there, and I knew it. I somehow followed the ambulence to the hospital. I'm still not sure how I survived that particular trip, as I couldn't see beyond the end of the car at that point, and I was crying on top of those vision problems. I remember arguing with my mother the whole way, but it was too late. She'd gone. I called Phil, and some friends who were nearby the hospital.

When I got to the hospital, they led me into "The Room" (you know "The Room", the family privacy lounge where they deliver really bad news in a mostly soundproof room). I turned around, and looked the doctor in the eye and said that we obviously weren't here for tea & crumpets, how bad was it? He told me that they had her on machines, keeping her body going, but that there was no brain activity, and that they had an old DNR order with my name as contact on it. I told them to follow it. Its what my mother wanted.

My friends arrived first, and stayed with me until some family got there. My sister was next, but she knew already too. Then my aunt arrived. She went in to see the body. Then came out and took Elaine to go to the house. By the time I got home, they had told my grandmother, gathered the family, and prepared to take my grandmother away. I didn't know what else to do, so I told Toria, and put away the groceries again.

My aunt and Elaine arranged the funeral. I got rather stubborn about a few things, but for the most part, they had the funeral they wanted, not the one my mother wanted. It didn't really matter. Funerals aren't for the dead anyway. For my pains at trying to abide by my mothers wishes, I got a tranquilizer prescription, and a lot of shit.

After the funeral, everyone went away, and pretty much stopped speaking to me. My aunt called me a couple of times to bitch me out about killing my mother to get at her fortune. I stopped answering the phone after the second time. This was a load of crap, as she left me with a mortgage I couldn't pay, and a whole bunch of bills that I had to answer for. I had to sell the house that my grandfather had built, that had been the only stable home I'd ever had, and move away to the most gods-forsaken part of the world that I knew of (Jacksonville, FL) because we couldn't afford to stay in New England. I had to uproot my life, and my family's life to do this. I sold the house at a loss, just before foreclosure. I paid for the funeral and the bills, and had just enough to put a down payment on a house in FL that no one else wanted. That was the legacy my mother left me. The same legacy that had my siblings (all of whom were in much better financial shape) not speaking to me because I had it.

My grandmother never came back to live with us. Apparently having lost my mother, I was now too untrustworthy to take care of Gram. I was also too untrustworthy to keep any of the family antiques. My aunt and Elaine came and took them all away one day. I didn't fight it. I was too numb to care at that point. I had been raised that no matter what, you stick by your family, and your family sticks by you. And here was said family, stabbing me in the back. The only things I was able to hold onto were the bed my grandmother had given to Phil & I, the table she had given us, and a small garnet heart pin/pendant that she had given to me in highschool. I saved some money on moving expenses, that I then had to spend on new furniture when I got to FL. Most everything was gone to my sisters, because I wasn't trustworthy anymore. Please understand something. For me, those things had no value beyond the ability to say "my great-grandmother sat here and rocked this baby", or "my great-great-grandfather brought this item from Scotland for his wife on one of his trading trips". I'm sure they had monetary value, but I'll be damed to this day if I ever knew what it was. They were my history. Those things represented my family's history, and were something that I intended to hand down to my daughter,w ho was the first born of that generation.

When I went back for the first visit to my sister after the funeral & move to FL, all of the things that I was so untrustworthy to keep were stacked in a random pile in her garage.

I've mended these fences with my sister. We've talked through some of this, and what we haven't talked through, we've just let go (at least I have). I still haven't spoken to my aunt since that second phone call. I have no plans to either. My whole world was crumbling out from under me, and she blaned me for it, and accused me of orchestrating it. All because she had some nutty that she couldn't let go of regarding my father. I'll probably never understand that. I've done my best to let go of this stuff. Apparently I've not succeeded as well as I'd hoped.

Watching that woman on the platform twitch this morning brought it all back. I guess its a good thing I work in an office and not as any kind of first responder/emergency person. Flash-backs would have me raging constantly.

Hope all of you have had a better morning that I have.

Oh, and my mother succeeded. That year, she got everyone's Christmas present purchased except for mine.

Not That Old Saw Again?

2008-10-01T08:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was talking to the Pootie. She informed me that her Current Events teacher has assigned 3 books now that discuss the evils of Communisim, and has them writing papers to discuss this matter.

Last time I checked, the economy was a bigger issue.

Haven't we (as a culture) had enough of designated enemies? For goodness sake! I know I have. We'd barely defrosted from the cold war when all of a sudden the islamic religion and its followers were the next big baddy! When that didn't fly so well, the decided to bring back Communisim, Russian style?

WTF?

I talked to the Pootie, and thankfully, she sees through it. As she put it, hey they didn't do anything in Russian that USA couldn't have tried, and got away with. We discussed the difference between absorbing enough of what was being fed to her to pass the class, and actually swallowing it.

It just disgusts me that this is being done. Why do we have to keep finding a new enemy? Why can't we just exist peaceably, and deal with problems as they arise? The government pays certain people a decent amount of money to find these problems, and I don't believe that teaching our children to be suspicious, close-minded worry warts is the way to go.

Grr.

AND Yes, I realize I'm being a bit Pollyannaish. I don't care.

Politics again

2008-09-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

I know, I'm losing my cred in the not political crowd.

Fine.

I watched the debate on Friday.

I'm not going into a whole lot here, regarding who did the best, or what not.

What struck me most, was pity for John McCain. Now, I'm standing up right now, and saying that I'm not planning on voting for the man. I think he's wrong on a lot of very important areas. However, it was apparent to me, and to one of the others I was watching the debate with that this whole Iraq business is stomping hard with salt soled boots on the open wounds of his Vietname experience. I can't help but pity that. I truly feel bad for him, and for the countless others who are identifing with the men and women who are over in Iraq fighting because our countries leaders told them to.

However. . .

My pity does not extend to wanting those men and women there any longer than is absolutely necessary. It does not extend to wanting my nephew over there fighting what I believe to be a losing battle. It does not extend to being willing to further bury our economy on a war that we should never have engaged in nor can we truly win.

So, I feel bad for McCain. It was obvious that the man is haunted by the past, as I imagine most who have walked a path similar to his must be. I cannot base my vote on pity, however. I was trained by my grandmother to base my vote on as much logic and reason and common sense as I can muster. Failing that, she told me to go with my gut.

The idea of McCain as president makes me queasy.
The idea of Obama as president makes me less queasy.

The Big Bird/Oscar write-in is still being pondered.

The Greys are back

2008-09-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

Its that time of year.

The grey time of year. The greys are when I get up and the sky is still grey. Its not black, its just grey. It stays grey until I get into work. Then its beautiful all day while I'm stuck inside. By the time 6PM rolls around, its grey again.

This time of year makes me want to pile all the covers up on my bed (which I've done!) and curl up in the middle of that nest, and not come out until spring. I'm pretty sure I'm only going to make this urge worse when I get my birthday present to me - A feather bed, a down comforter, and 2 feather pillows. Add a Nick to this mix, and I may not leave my bed ever!

The mornings aren't cold, but they are brisk (and grey. Did I mention the grey part?). I can smell winter lurking around the next corner. The days are nice, but the nights are cool enough to shut the house up and snuggle under the covers. But then I snuggle under the covers in the dead of July's heat, so don't go by me.

Is there actually a place in the world that stays warm all year round? I'm begining to believe not.

I ordered some fiber to spin. Combed Corriadale top. Its RED. Red is a cheery color to spin. Its hard to be cold when spinning red wool. At least that's the theory anyway. I've been knitting more. All I really want to do is sit in my nest and knit or spin and drink hot tea or soup.

Hibernation should be a cultural choice that is respected enough to earn job security.

Why the yarn stash

2008-09-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

For a long time, I've had a hard time explaining to myself and others the essential "why" of a yarn stash.

Now, I can do so easily.

This is going to be a LEAN yuletide. Money in our little family is short. Not short as in we can't pay the bills, but short as in we can't do a whole lot other than pay the bills.

Yule this year is coming off my needles, and out of my yarn stash. I'm not buying any yarn to accomplish this goal.

So that's the why of the yarn stash. A knitter/crocheter hoards its yarn. Saves it up for the rainy day that is lean and the ability to buy new shiny yarn is scarce.

That way they can keep knitting!

In other news, quite related:

I finished a present for Nick. He knows about it, cuz I knitted and felted it right under his nose on Sunday. Its an oven mit!! The coolest thing about this that it has yarn that I SPUN in it! I'm so stinky proud of myself!

And I started Bronnies Yule present. :D Things are going swimingly in the present department

Life in and around a bulls-eye

2008-09-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

You know, most of the time I can forget that I live next to and work in the middle of a bulls-eye.

Not today.

Today being the anniversary of the 2001 terrorist bombings (Please note: the use of the date "9-11" to designate these thefts of life really annoys the crap out of me. 9-11 is a date that comes every year, a number you dial when the fit has hit the shan, and my step-niece's birthday), the boys in blue, black, & various other sundry uniform colors were out in force.

There were police posted at the entrance/exits of every metro station I used. There were police posted IN the metro stations I passed (as in on the platforms). Ther ewas an officer on the train I was in, but I don't know if that was for every train, or if he was just hitching a ride.

There were what I'm reasonably sure were secret service posted on the corners of the intersection where I cross to get into the building I work in. This building is also right next to the Repbulican Campain Committee HQ.

Its kinda of weird. Most of the time, this place looks just like any city, except for th odd barricade. Today, it looks like the movie versions of an occupied city.

So, for today, I can't forget that I live near and work in a bulls-eye.

Nor can I really ignore why.

Days like today, I really wish we didn't live here.

Snort

2008-09-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This is a bit political

You know its bad when a traditionally conservative-middle of the road new source puts up an article like THIS on their front page

Yahoo's Front Page 9/4/08

I count Yahoo as pretty middle of the road conservative. That's after about 3 years of checking out various news sources and comparing them to what I hear everyday from the people around me (I work in the Congressional Research Service, and get to hear an interesting perspective). Its not a raving, frothing at the mouth conservative source, but its definetly NOT liberal.

As to the content of the article, well, they ARE politicians. I'm not entirely why people are surprised that lies come out of them when their mouths move. Really. Its what they do for a living for goodness sake!

What I'm surprised about is that its being so blantantly pointed out.

A sign from the universe

2008-09-02T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, I went to FL this weekend. Where Chelle told me to read the discworld series.

This morning, I read the Polyamorous Misanthrope's blog. It had the following reference from Wikipedia:

Anoia

The minor goddess of Things That Stick in Drawers, Anoia is praised by rattling a drawer and crying "How can it close on the damned thing but not open with it? Who bought this? Do we ever use it?" She also eats corkscrews and is responsible for Things Down The Backs of Sofas, and is considering moving into stuck zips. The Maccalariat family of Ankh-Morpork have been Anoians for five generations. She is not part of the number of gods praised at the Temple of Small Gods, but instead has a freelance priestess who also serves for various other minor deities. Thud! refers to a painting of Anoia Rising From The Cutlery (probably a parody of the iconic Venus Rising From the Sea).

She was previously a volcano goddess, possibly under the name Lela. Anoia (and Lela) are first mentioned in Going Postal. She appears in Wintersmith as a tired, skinny woman wearing a bedsheet and smoking a cigarette that sparks like a volcano (she began smoking when the Storm God kept raining on her lava). On a whim, Moist von Lipwig named her as one of the gods responsible for his "miraculous" recovery of a large sum of buried money: since belief is what empowers Discworld gods, she benefited tremendously from the resulting surge of believers. As of Making Money her religion has seen something of a revival, and now she is the goddess of hopeless causes.

"Anoia" sounds like a Greek word meaning "mindlessness", but contains an obvious allusion to the verb "to annoy".

Yeah, I can take a hit. We don't need the third-times-the-charming-kick-in-the-butt hint that I usually require. I'm going to order the books RIGHT NOW!

Long Distance Parenting

2008-08-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

For the record: LDP SUCKS!!!

Today I spent the first half of my day emailing Phil, Amanda & Nick regarding a situation at Toria's school (involving the changing of a class). I also spent that time trying like anything to get in touch with her guidance counselor.

After getting off the phone with the principal and guidance counselor together, I had to spend another few minutes in email, debreifing the converssation to the other 3 parental units.

Tomorrow, while Nick & I are on the way to FL, I'll be on the phone again with Phil & Amanda, deciding what the mutually agreed upon decision is to present to the child over breakfast on Sunday morning.

Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I could bring myself to not care. It won't happen, but I do envy some of those guys who are able to walk away from their families and never look back. Sometimes anyway.

Instead, I'll be phoning and emailing until my ears bleed and my fingers are stumps trying to be the best damned long distance parent I can.

groan. clatter. drip drip drip.

Found this, LOVE IT!

2008-08-28T07:49:00.001-07:00

I found this article on The Polyamorous Misanthrope. Since I couldn't have put it better myself, I posted it here. Thank you to the Goddess of Java for posting this, from someone who is tired of people assuming that my being poly means that I'm automatically attracted to everyone!

But that Disqualifies ME!!!
Posted by: Goddess of Java in boundaries, polyamory 101, relationships

There’s been a few discussions going around various polyamory communities talking about relationship rules, tastes in physiques, and a lot of other things.
Part of the discussion will invariably involve why some standard or another is wrong. When you dig a little deeper, it is often because that particular person doesn’t meet said standard.

I have an answer to that.

So fucking what? Get over yourselves. What is this idea that you must be universal relationship material? Do you think that you’ll have a higher status if more people wanna fuck you? Do you think it’s personal?

First off, it’s probably not personal. Take “I don’t do LDRs”. If you live on the other side of a continent from someone and they say that, it’s hardly an insult. It’s not personal. That person just doesn’t want to do long distance relationships. Fine. They don’t have to, and it’s not a reflection on you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people who are heavy?” Guess what, friends. Still not personal. That person is allowed her own criteria. To take it personally isn’t useful or even realistic. It’d be a damn stupid reason to run out and diet1, cause there might be other reasons that the person isn’t attracted to you.

What about “I’m not attracted to people with long black hair?” Should you run out and chop off your raven locks? Friends, you’d be an idiot to do so.

What about “Do not wake me up because you’re having serious emotional issues?” Ahh… interesting. Well, if you need to be able to call someone at three in the morning to cry on them on a regular basis maybe that person isn’t right for you! How ’bout that? See, it works both ways, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the person who is protective of her sleep is a horrible person, nor does it mean you are. It means you have severely incompatible needs. It’s not a personal affront.

I’m all for change if you think it’ll benefit you. Don’t get me wrong. If running around punching people in the nose isn’t working for you, sure, stopping that and trying other behavior might be useful.

But it’s not a personal affront if a majority of the world doesn’t find you relationship material, nor should you necessarily “make yourself over” to gain sex or romantic relationships. It’s not a contest, no matter how many people seem to think the more people you want to fuck you, the more you win at life.
The relationships that are worth having are the ones that work for you. And let’s face it, even as poly people, we only have 168 hours a week. We all have interests other than romantic relationships. We’ve got our careers, our hobbies, our families, and our individual lives.

Get over yourselves!

1Not saying that you shouldn’t take care of your health, but body mod to increase fuckability becomes a zero sum game. For the extremes of this, check out honest accounts of any industry where fitting a specific body image becomes a major part of the job.

Whoa. This article says it better than I could

2008-08-27T06:47:00.000-07:00

I just read the best article on marriage in the mid-stages, and divorce.

She's happily married, dreaming of divorce

The part that struck me most:

Having choices is a cornerstone of strength: Choosers won't be beggars. "Thinking about divorce is kind of like living in New York City with its museums and theater and culture," a doctor friend of mine said. "You may never actually go to any of these places, but for some reason, just the idea that you could if you wanted to makes you feel better."

Maybe one day, marriage -- like the human appendix, male nipples, or your pinky toes -- will become a vestigial structure that will, in a millennium or two, be obsolete. Our great-great-great-grandchildren's grandchildren will ask each other in passing, "Remember marriage? What was its function again? Was it that maladaptive organ that intermittently produced gastrointestinal antigens and sometimes got so inflamed that it painfully erupted?"

Yes. Yes it was.

Until that day of obsolescence, we can confront the dilemma and consider the choice a privilege. Once upon a time is the stuff of fairy tales. As for happily ever after -- see appendix.

You know, having made the choice to divorce when I did, actually saved a friendship. And it wasn't the end of the world. It was the best thing I could have done for both of us, and we are both better people for it.

I think maybe I was born without the wife-organ though. :P

Closing the last wounds

2008-08-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

My divorce was an easy one. Really. It was about as free and easy as a divorce can be. We are even still friends.

So please pardon my tiny bit of bitchiness if I sound that way.

The only time the word "asshole" comes to mind with regards to my Ex is when I look at my credit report. He did somethings that weren't exactly ethical in regards to utility accounts and our bank account. I've had to pay the price for being married to him, to the tune of a few thousand dollars of bad credit/bad debt (YES, I do realize this is tit. I know. Let me do my small bit of bitching here!).

I'm really happy right now, because I'm down to less than $500 left on my credit report in bad debt owed. I have every reason to believe that this will be paid off by the close of this year! The best part of this is that I've got my Ex to agree to pay off a part of this (I'm picking up cash on Sunday) that he is directly responsible for, to the tune of $140! So this amount is getting smaller by the day!

I feel like a whole elephant worth of worry about life is being lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel quite like as much of a loser as I did. I'm starting to think that maybe I can actually own a house again, and allow that dream to spark to life.

I'm getting there. Slowly and surely, I'm getting out from under this weight.

The last of those wounds, small though they were in comparison to most, are closing and healing up. There are still scars, but hey, that's part of life in our modern era. No one gets out unscathed, but if you work hard and are blessed, you stand a good chance of having just scars, and not seeping wounds!

Looks like I'm just gonna have scars.

A Different Look at the Olympic Games

2008-08-25T08:38:00.001-07:00

In the midst of all the BS about politics and unbalanced competitive spirits, this girl, and her countryman embody what is, to me anyway, the true olympic spirit

Somalia's Best

I was in tears by the end of this story. These two athletes came up through the absolute worst of circumstances and competed with the best of the best. That is what the olympics are supposed to be about. They aren't about flash, and style. They aren't about who's country is the best. The olympics are about ATHLETES. They are about individuals who have worked to compete with other individuals from around the world.

I really wish that the major powers of the world would stop using these young people (and some not so young) as tools with which to measure their proverbial dicks.

Yes, I realize that this is a foolish wish. So sue me for being a freaking dreamer.

Vegetarian Hamburger Helper

2008-08-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, not really, but it is vegetarian, vegan even, and its just as easy as hamburger helper!

2 cans goya ready to eat kidney beans (they come seasoned in a red sauce)
2-4 cloves of garlic (crushed)

Cook together

While this is heating up, Boil together the following

3 cups water
2 cups rice
2 tbsp oilve oil
1 tbsp salt
2-4 cloves of garlic (crushed)

Bring to a boil, then lower to a simmer. Cover and wait 15-20 mins. (until the rice is done).

Its easy, its quick and its NOM.

Thanks to Jose for giving me this. According to him, its what his Puerto Rican Grandma switched to over her own homecooked ones! (tastes as good as, but easier to prepare).

Good News on the Kidney Front

2008-08-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Hello My Adoring Public!

(kidding)

Well, some sort of good news on the kidney front. After getting more tests done, my kidneys aren't quite ready to go on the transplant list. Which means I'm not doing as bad as the doctor had initially thought. This is good news. The better news is that at the first sign of them getting worse, I'm on the list. No questions.

WARNING: This entry is about POOP!

2008-08-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

And other various topics, but that's later.

Right now, its about poop.

Well, as I discovered recently (as in last week), my normal happy bowel function gets mightilly upset when Nick's not around. APPARENTLY, I'm a quiet nervous wreck w/o him. Little sleep, little appetite.

NO POOP.

The no poop was the worst actually, and in my opinon, led to the little appetite and sleep. So I started taking yellow dock (an herbal version of exlax. MUCH gentler) Ususally, 1 yellow dock capsule has me running to the potty in about 3 hours post-consumption. I was up to 4 at a whack by last night.

No Poop.

Nick came home at the wee sma's this morning. "Great!" I thought. "Now I'll start pooping!".

This morning -- nothing. No poop.

I've spent a rather miserable, gut-rumbly day. So, this afternoon, I threatened my instestinal tract. I informed it that if I didn't see some relief, and pronto, I was gonna grab some exlax this evening, and then we'd see about this bound-up crap! ( pun intended )

Well, apparently, the mere threat of the harshness of exlax was all that was needed. Not 5 minutes after this communication, I was trotting to the bathroom. Barely made it in time!

Not going to bother you all with the details, but suffice it to say, I'm feeling much better now.

As to the other, its related, but not poopie.

I'm not sure when this reliance on another person thing snuck in, but I'd really like to know who the hell ordered it? I'm not quite used to this, and I'll admit it came a bit of a nasty shock! When I was talking to Jan about it, she laughed and said "Thanks for waking up, Sleeping Beauty!" She's right, or course, but its still startling to have ones illusions of oneself cracked this way.

Oh well, I guess he's stuck with me! Or I'm stuck with him? Not sure who's stuck with who here, but you get the idea!

Ain't I a stinker?

2008-08-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Nick is away at GenCon in Indianappolis.

For those of you who aren't aware, GenCon Indy is a BIG geek fest! D&D for days, and I mean this literally.

So, this year, he pulled on his big boy DM pants, and signed up to DM at GenCon. It wouldn't appear so on the surface, but Nick is a shy guy. Really. For him to do this took a lot in the way of courage.

So about 1 hour into his first game, I sent him a dirty text message.

I did it again today.

And yes, I'm going to tommorrow and Sunday as well.

Why? Because A) He likes it and most importantly B) Cuz I can!

I'm just having too much fun with this. I've also sent him a couple of texts that weren't so dirty, but told him outlandish things like I chewed on one of his D&D books and ate a couple of minis. I'm thinking of telling him that I've applied a new organizational system to his stuff. That will make him twitch until he gets home and sees that I haven't touched anything.

:D

Life Continuing

2008-08-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

I found out Saturday that my aunt has cancer. Definetly in her breasts, possibly in other places as well.

I wasn't surprised.

My aunt, like her father before her, holds bitterness and anger to herself like they are precious jewels. Its the biggest reason that I don't speak to her. Being around that much negativity wll drive me mad. So I don't hang around it.

Its strange. I wasn't shocked, or upset. I feel very little actually. A bit of sympathy, as one would for anyone going though such a horrible thing, but that's it. No more.

A part of me thinks I should feel more. That I should be more upset, or distressed or something.

The rest of me simply logged the information into the family medical history, and moved on with my day.

Nick asked me if I wanted to do anything. If I wanted to contact her. I told him - rather honestly - that if she wanted to talk to me, I'd go. I'd listen, even though if she does, I'm pretty sure that nothing but venom would come out. I would stand silent and hear it for her sake, because I believe that one should do that for someone who is dying. If that is the comfort that she would ask of me, I would give it. Its is what I would do for any sentient being.

For myself, I really don't have much to say to her. What is there to say? Her woundedness at her sister's/ my mother's passing lashed out and caught me in the face. I've forgiven that, because I've since realized what it was. I've taken my life in a direction she would never approve of, and most likely never understand. My life doesn't fit into her frames. But then, I never did fit into her frames. :-/

The funny thing here: My aunt & I are a lot alike in many ways. We're both passionate, opinionated, strong women. Both headstrong to a fault, and both have a reallly hard time admitting when we are wrong. I mean REALLY hard time. (although, in my humble opinon, I'm a scosh better at it than she is). The biggest difference between us is that I've learned not to hoard and nurture my bitterness and anger.

I wish her well. I hope that this is an inconvienience to her, and not a reason to curl up and die.

If anyone can survive this, she can.

Got Kidneys?

2008-08-01T11:17:00.001-07:00

Well, I went to my nephrologist today.

If things don't go well, I've got about 3 years with my kidneys before I have to do the dialysis thing.

If things go well it will be longer.

The good news: I'm a good candidate for a dual transplant, and I'm not the worst case he's seen. For the shape I'm in, I'm doing okay.

My kidneys aren't in failure yet. They are inching toward it. They just moved a few more inches than I'd thought they would have by now.

The dr. was optomistic.

I still blubbered like a baby when I hit the car.

So, Action Plan: Lose weight, get sugar & blood pressure under tight control. Not necessarily in that order.

You know, the idea of losing my vision hit me harder than this. Or maybe it was that I felt I was allowed the luxury of mourning my vision. I don't feel I have the luxury to wallow in that place this time.

So, How was your morning?

Politics.

2008-07-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. My fluffy little life doesn't normally run into this too much. Bear with me, here. This isn't about my personal stand on anything! I swear!

I just donated money to a political campaign. Not only that, I donated more money to this campaign than I've ever donated in one sum to anything in my life!

It just surprised me is all. This candidate (you'll note, no names! I believe that strongly that my politics, like my religion, is personal) has struck enough of a chord in me, at a time when I personally believe that this country stands on a knife-edge economically poised toward another great depression, that I actually donated money (which I don't part with easily, mind you) to a politician!

What I can't figure out is if I believe in the man, or if I just think that he's the best bet. Possibly a bit of both. Not sure.

Hmm

2008-07-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a poem a day (or so).
Right now, I'm in the middle of Barbara Kingsolver's Another America.
Today, I met my mother in a poem by a woman who lives half-way across the world, in a place that my mother only dreamed about visiting and never reached.

The Middle Daughter
By Barbara Kingsolver

If you threw her in the water
she would float upstream.
What if baby Moses had floated upstream,
bobbing toward Lake Victoria in his bullrush boat,
passing the transfixed laundry women,
leaving them behind in a wake of amazement?
What would have become of the children of Israel?
This middle daughter forgets,
there is always history.

Show her white, she sees black.
The problem is her vision.
From infancy she has thrown off
every color we wrapped her in:
first the pink, contemptuously,
and later even the blue, for reasons
we hadn't the nerve to be thankful for.
She wants to wear red, or nothing.
And you should see her with her red shirt
flapping on her spindle body
like some solo flag,
marching up the river,
leading the salmon to slaughter.
She says they aren't really dying.
She says something is born of swimming upstream
that finds its way back to the sea
and spreads like a grasfire through the seaweed
across the floor of underwater continents
and finally comes back to the very same river,
not one, but a thousand fish,
a generation of fish.
This middle daughter believes
she will make history.

A difference a week makes

2008-07-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

Well, one week ago, I went to my new endocrinologist.

She walked into the office, and looked at my chart. She then asked "So, how long have you had a thyroid problem?"

Qua?

She prescribed medicine.

That was a week ago. So far, my energy has picked up, my hands & toes are warm, and my skin isn't as dry!

The biggest news is that my blood sugar is leveling out!

This is all very very good news.

Spider Silk & other such knitty nonsense

2008-07-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well then - Mohair.

I started the Luna Moth Shawl this weekend. Yeah Yeah I know. The best laid plans of test shawls and such suches, but then the yarn arrived into my greedy little hands! After badgering Nick into an AC Moore run for needles, I started.

I've just finished row 7, and I haven't F'd up so far. It's beautiful and soft, and beautiful and did I mention beautiful?

Knitting with the superkydd is like what I imagine knitting with spider silk would be like, if spider silk were fuzzy. Its so THIN. Its fine thread. Whoa dudes.

In other news, to let you all know how well my eyesight is now. When I decided to move up here, I learned how to knit socks. At that time, if I dropped a stitch, the whole thing had to be frogged & restarted as I couldn't see well enough to pick up dropped stitches.

I just yanked the needle off an entire third of a sock, AND I PICKED UP EVERY FREAKING ONE!!!! WOOT!!! I'm very happy about this.